Flicker with the city lights
Watch the water from the rocky heights
Of hope and heart I have learned
Love rejected
And a cry unreturned.
Where was I? Can you tell me where I was? I don’t know anymore…
Maybe I was on SMS all day. Just hiding and running away from everyone. But why? Why…?
That’s right, I ran away. I ran away from everyone. Because I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to exist anymore.
…
I didn’t want to exist anymore.
Maybe if I was beautiful like her… I wouldn’t be such a failure. *Laughs* Even now I’m bashing myself. I’m such a pathetic loser, I’m at a loss for words. I laugh and smile so much, but it’s all fake. I hate everything. I hate myself. I wish I would just die already and do the world a big favor. I bet everyone thinks I’m some emo loser right now.
I won’t tell you were I am now. Because that would mean I’m acknowledging that I exist, and I don’t want to exist.Think of me… standing there with that big stupid smile of mine and vanishing into thin air. That’s me. Yeah. I’m dead but I’m not alive either. No, why am I asking you this? You shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t care about me complaining like an idiotic child. Jaz is gone, she wants to be. And if she wants to be, then she should be. Because people as pathetic as me don’t deserve to exist.
I’m drifting around somewhere. Wandering around aimlessly by myself. I’m in no hurry, why should I be?
Today he gave me a hug and I wanted to cry and I felt like disappearing into vapor in his arms and flying away because I knew that I would never be able to be the person that I wanted to be. The person he wants to see.
I had a dream where I stood there infront of everyone and they all laughed at me until I pulled out a gun.
But it wasn’t pointed at any of them. It was pointed at my head and everyone watched while a pulled the trigger and killed myself infront of all of them. My brains were splattered across the wall but I smiled when I died.
Because I was finally dead.
It made me feel even more miserable because I know people are going to think I’m stupid.
All my friends hate me.
I exploded in class and told everyone to die. I told my friend to swallow rat poison. I told my teacher to get runned
over with a truck. I told my other friend burn to death with her stupid boyfriend and I cursed everyone in the world to death.
My mother reminded me today of how much of a disappointment I am to her and how my brother makes her so much more proud.
I confessed how I felt for him at the beach, but he told me it was never going to happen.
Just like everyone else I confessed to before him.
I sat on the rocks in the shallow waters at night and thought about what it would feel like if I drowned myself in the water.
I know that nobody is perfect, but I believe that for me to fit in, I have to be perfect. I must.
I used to cut myself a lot when I was younger. I even cut myself in the face and I would have to lie to everyone and tell them that my cat scratched me and that I was okay when I wasn’t.
I hate Stephen and his slutty wife and I think that mostly everyone on SMS are like stupid brainwashed, nerd animals that feed from their “coolness” or try to kiss their asses for items.
I vomit every time a see a couple. Even when I don’t mean to.
I have a phobia of being abandoned.
I’m completely and utterly alone all the time. Either because I choose or because everyone leaves me like that.
Nobody living near me wants to be my friend. They made fun of me all through my childhood and I secretly dream
of killing them. They’re weedheads anyway, not like they have anything to be proud about.
I’m a drama queen because I want people to realize how upset I am. But that makes them hate me even more.
I’m always the odd one out. I never fit in anywhere.
I always tell myself to be strong, not to let anything bother me, and to never cry. But in the end, I always manage to break down and cry uncontrollably when I’m alone or sad.
My weak brain is unable to process the concept of happiness or anything positive in general.
~Happy Mapling from 13lue to you.
Beautiful like who?
Dun be emooooo. Where were you all day? D: You weren’t on SMS all day . . . I think.
Oh, and you spelt “exist” wrong. ^^
Dun be emooooo. Where were you all day? D: You weren’t on SMS all day . . . I think.
Oh, and you spelt “exist” wrong. ^^”
. . .thanks for letting me know how I fail at spelling “exist”. Bye now. ^^
~13lue
That means you should exist because if you don’t want to exist, you have to spell it correctly. I don’t know how that works, it just does.
._. Please don’t make me want to die even more than I already do now.
Forget it, I’m just not gonna say anything anymore. Because all I do is make people become annoyed with me.
~13lue
Hey, c’mon. What the hell is wrong with you?
What happened to that sarcastic, happy yourself? Don’t tell me it’s dead. Because even if you think YOU’RE dead, your attitude is inside there, struggling, doing everything it could to grab hold of your sanity, and bring you back to reality. And hey, a spoilt relationship is a chance for you to start over. A new chance. Think of the possibilities. What makes you think he’s the only guy out there that you would have a crush on?
Im not being mean or anything, but this is puppy love. C’mon, break out of this. If you think that I’ve never suffered any of this before, you’re right. But get real. It isn’t the end of the world. Hey, and anyway, find the cause of this feeling. What makes you think like you’re a loser? How did this all start? Get to the root of the problem, confront it, and everything would be okay.
It’s not like those typical dramas, a single fall would just leave someone in that condition for life. Stand up. Who never suffered a fall in their lives? It’s just a matter of time (No offense to anybody) . Eveybody goes through this, it’s a way of life! Just solve it, and everything would return to normal.
Im not saying that you can get over the person you like, or even love, in your opinion, but try. And don’t try not to think of him, you’ll just wanna think of him more. Just cry it out. Everybody does that sometimes. Nobody’s gonna call you anything here. Let it all out.
Now , ending everything on a higher note, it took me 15 minutes to type this. Guess Im not a counsellor after all . F3.
Courage, girl. I don’t think anyone is ever insecure, yes? *gives a muffin*
[edit] Just want to add that my mom tells me I’m better off dead everyday, but yarrr, in one ear, out the other. Parents just need to vent their anger on something. >.>
I don’t want to write a paragraph about why you shouldn’t do it, i know it doesn’t help.
Therefore:
Ilu Jazzy, always a friend,a dn always here for you <3
xx
Hey we all have our crises. I don’t mean that yours doesn’t matter because it does. I’m just saying that you’re not alone in the way you feel about life. There are difficult parts that you’ll have to get through somehow, and no matter how cliché this is going to sound, once you do, you’ll end up stronger for it. And think about it, if everything is already down in the dumps, it can’t possibly get any worse, can it?
And, don’t cut yourself. Don’t harm yourself, because it doesn’t help anything. Although I’m not one to say, because I always vent my anger physically, somehow, feeling the pain kind of takes the edge off the intangible, emotional pain that swells in you until it threatens to engulf your insides. So doing other things to vent your anger is good. Like writing this blog, for instance. Writing it out can make things better and sometimes put your thinking into perspective.
Who said the strong do not cry? You’re allowed to cry as much as you want. That’s what tears are for. But after that you wipe away the tears, and you go on. That is what the strong do. They allow themselves to move on.
So, cheer up, hon. I know saying this won’t do anything for you, but at least take to heart that someone cares from halfway round the world, even though we don’t know each other.
I’d hate to say anything offensive, but I would like to point out that Issac has already explained everything on his blog. If it’s more complicated, then I’m sorry.
-=The Nazgul=-
Everyone here is your friend . You’re never alone
Okay, see if I was in your position right here, I would say that everyone is just saying BS and thinking that they all of a sudden care just because you said you were going to kill yourself.
Life is too contradictory.
You wanna make something of yourself and be all famous and popular but as you see with all the stars on tv, then they always get screwed by media and everyone is always looking for their mistakes. I think it’s best to just be happy with yourself.
I think I could have been the motivation for this? Cause I wrote that stupid little poem.
Hey, I’m envious of you! You can actually write like a ton of blogs and get a ton of people to tune in!
You’re also a nice person
You have courage to get yourself heard
Everyone’s gonna have a bad era or moment in their life, you just gotta look towards the future.
Hey, you get through this moment then you’ve learned something from it, and therefore the rest of your life won’t be lived as a lie.
Just hold on, cause there’s at least one other person that cares a lot about you, and it doesn’t matter, because all you need is just one.
I hope I helped a bit. I’m tired of trying to impress everyone on this site with grammar and stuff so yeah. . .not as neat but I’m not gonna let that get me down.
*claps*
Excellent dramatic performance, Blue.
EDIT:
1.
There will always be someone more attractive than someone else. It’s all how we view people.
2.
Why would you shoot yourself if you know people are going to complain you’re stupid? Isn’t that the exact reason you’re writing this blog about? = =;;
3.
I don’t think friends who hate you are really your friends. We have a name for that.
Enemies.
4.
Just like everyone else I confessed to before him.”
That’s part of life. I got dumped by a girl I loved too. But you have to move on, girl.
5.
Then stay there 40 years later holding a picture of him in your bedroom like a maniac.
6.
I’m not provoking you or anything, but I know you wouldn’t.
7.
Good goal. It keeps you trying. But if you’re a perfectionist, why are you contemplating suicide?
8.
Yes, cutting yourself at a young age when you know nothing about the greater devastations in life is a fine way to go.
9.
You are selfish.
10.
You’re getting there. Stop now and things won’t start.
11.
Watch Harold and Kumar 2. You will laugh your head off. Laughing = Positive
12.
over with a truck. I told my other friend burn to death with her stupid boyfriend and I cursed everyone in the world to death.”
That might’ve been a bit overboard.
SO. TrueBlue. Get a counseler, right away. They can help you alot. You’re probably thinking you’re that one special person who has the worst problems in all of the world, and that this is a big drama and counselers are helpless in aiding your problems.
Ha. You’re wrong.
Go go go Blue. Live your life. Don’t kill yourself. Get over that man. Do something to make your mom feel proud. Go go go Blue, go.
[♠]
Spade rocks.
*High fives*
Whats with Dest and Spade? You guys aren’t making the situation any better you know?
Sometimes, pity doesn’t work.