[WARNING] You’re about to see horrible puns up ahead.

Puns

A school teacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Did you hear a guy was murdered in town last night? Police found the victim face down in his bathtub, which was filled with milk and cornflakes. They think it was a cereal killer.

A young snail bought a new sports car with a big red “S” painted on the side. He wanted to drive around town and hear people say, “Look at that little ‘S’ car go!”

A farmer is milking his cow and as he’s milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow’s ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, “Hmph. In one ear, out the udder.”

There’s a nudist colony for communists. Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you read Marx?” And the other says, “Yes…I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”

Recently, a Frenchman in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

*There was an immigrant that tried to cross the border to America, but a patrol stopped him and told him to go back, but the immigrant begged the man to let him across. The patrol said he could, if he passed his test. His test was that the immigrant would have to use the words ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’ in a sentence. The immigrant thought for a little and then replied, “Okeh. Dah phone go, ‘Green green!’, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow?'”

Early one spring morning, Papa Mole decided to check out the sounds and smells of the new season. He traveled along his burrow until he could stick his head out and survery the area. It was such a beautiful morning, he quickly called to Mama Mole to come join him. Papa Mole said, “It is such a beautiful spring morning. I hear the birds singing and I smell…bacon…yes, someone is frying! It smells so good.” Mama Mole said, “It is indeed a beautiful morning and…why, yes…I think I smell someone cooking pancakes. Yes, delicious buckwheat pancakes! Come quick, Baby Mole, you must experience these delectable sounds and smells!” Baby Mole raced along the burrow but could not squeeze past his parents. Mama said, “Do you smell those delicious smells of breakfast, Baby Mole? Doesn’t it make you hungry and happy that spring is here?” Baby Mole replied, somewhat disgruntled, his voice a bit muffled as he tried to squeeze past his parents again, “I wouldn’t know. All I can smell are molasses!”

*Two old men are talking to each other.
Old Man 1: Wanna go for a walk?
Old Man 2: But it’s windy.
Old Man 1: No, it’s Thursday.
Old Man 2: Me too. Wanna go get a beer?

All of these jokes were taken from “[A Prairie Home Companion] Pretty Good Joke Book (4th edition)

The two jokes with asteriks (*) by them were randomly thought up by me as I was typing these jokes, they may or may not be in the joke book, I dunno.