Okaii.. i try to stop rushing it =x
Here it goes …
Okay, so everything seems to be pretty normal now. Everyone has stopped visiting so frequently and being so fussy. My parents are only visiting every once in a while. But what i still cant get use to is the black-and-whiteness. It feels so.. weird. I think my parents have accepted the fact that I’m colour blind. They say that I can go back to school on Monday. It’s only two days from now, but it seems so long. My days are passing by WAYY to slowly. Everyday, feels like a year.
My daily routine differs from about 5 things. Wake up, Bathroom, Eat, TV&Bathroom, Eat, Bathroom&Walk in the park, TV, Eat, Bath, Sleep. Like that, I spent my last day in the white hospital, facing people in white clothes with black badges.
Finally, I wave goodbye to those who’ve taken care of me for the pass few days. My warrior father, Mitchel, thank the doctors and nurses once again whilst my cleric mother, Shinina, checks that everything is packed up.
Walking out those big gates felt like i was free from prison, away from my stuck routine. I hasted my family and I and we hurried home. I have no idea why we hurried home but my parents seemed to be walking faster and faster.. soon, everything seemed to be a blur. By the time we got home, i was exhausted, mind wise. My head seemed to be spinning around. I had to sit for a while to get use to standing still.
While i was calming down, i can hear whispers and murmurs between my parents…
Shinina: We have to tell him..
Mitchel: We can’t, it was our part of the deal…
Shinina: But.. …… ….. ……. …
Mitchel: We ….. ….. ruin him!
They’re whispers got quieter, making it harder for me to listen to. But what were they hiding from me? What deal? What about ruining me? Could they have been part of what happened to my whole class? Could they…
“ANDREW! Dinner!” Yelled my mother.
“COMING!” I shouted back. I immediately forgot about those questions as i slipped into my seat. We had some unagi and fried shrimp. It was a really quiet dinner, i barely managed to stop myself from asking questions about what i heard. I finished my dinner as fast as i could and put my dishes into the dishwasher.
“I’m going to bed earlier. Good night Mum, Dad!” I yelled as i ran into my bedroom. I shut the door, layed on my bed and starred at the ceiling. I won’t be able to sleep at 8, but being downstairs in utter silence would be HELL. I turned on my bedside lamp and got out some of my books to read, but my eyes don’t seem to focus on the words and my mind seems to be drifting away from my book…
-In sleep-
Blood was splashing everywhere. Everyone was screaming. Tears and cries filled the space.
“SHUT UP!” A voice yelled. One by one, everyone who knew was slashed and their blood covered the walls and floor. The blood even started to crawl into my tiny hiding place. Would they be able to smell me? Are they even human?
-End of dream-
I woke in a pool of sweat, shocked and scared. I thought, Are they after me?
End
Okaiix. My tense SUCKS. >.> Soooo.. what do you think about it? I quite liked it..
Please comment and click the I like it button if its good. Thanks ^^
xx xBLiNG
A++++ but try not to rush the story -__- make the plot like mysterious and try to keep the reader guessing what will happen. =)
Mmm. Use Microsoft Word to spellcheck and all, even if you are supporting the Windows regime. Interesting premise though. Makes me remember my Bio- *is gagged and dragged off*
pretty kewl but i it.,.,. weird.,., for my taste but a pretty good sctory
Critic:a bit short but has great potetial.
^_^~sellsword
I think it’s pretty cool. I enjoyed reading it. ^_^
Let’s get the critique out of the way first.
– Try not to use script format; I know JF does, but it makes your story look better/more professional if you don’t. Also, you get to express more emotions and therefore strengthen the dialogue if you use story instead of script format.
– Your tense is mostly okay; just try and make it more consistent. If you switch, try and make itblend. At some places, such as the discharge from the hospital, it’s a little jerky.
– Watch your punctuation. xP
– At one point it jumps; you say he forgot the questions, yet the next sentence you state that he was bursting to ask. Just watch that. When content clashes, it can be very confusing for the readers.
That’s over with now. Your story still shows great potential; I look forward to seeing the next chapter and how the character develops and faces the ordeals. Maybe it could be a bit longer? I like long chapters, they keep me happier for longer. ^^ MUAHAHAHA!