~Notes~
Every once in a while I’m gonna do a Phoneme Series Extra which will have absolutely nothing to do with the current plot. This is one of those.

Phoneme Series Extra #1 Malady of the Maladies

“Hey Ryuu!”

“Hm? What…I’m sleeping.”

“Riiiinnnnggg! Riiiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggg!”

“Gah! What the hell is your problem, you moron?!”

“Teehee, just wanted to wake you up.”

“Hey! HEY! You’re getting crumbs all over my bed, you damn—”

“This is Phoneme Series Extra Number One!”

“Ayame? What the hell are you doing here?”

“What? I don’t get a line this episode…so I thought I’d just say the episode title!”

“Ugh…”

Ryuu pulls a sweater over himself and stares around perplexedly for a moment as he stands outside on a sidewalk. A chilly autumn breeze rips by, and a faint creaking comes softly from a dark, rickety house nearby.

Ryuu blinks, staring at his side where his sword has been replaced by a witch’s broom. “Wh…what the hell?! Where’s my sword, dammit?”

Arai suddenly sneaks up from behind Ryuu, wearing a Green Snail mask with his Dark Ritual in hand. He quietly whacks Ryuu across the head before bursting out laughing.

Ryuu grabs the back of his head angrily and turns to Arai, who stands laughing stupidly. “ARAI! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”

“Oh, lighten up, Mr. Ryuu!” Arai replies, “This is the special Halloween episode!”

“You’re supposed to be dead…” Ryuu mutters in an annoyed undertone.

“I’m a ghost! Bwa! Bwa! Bwa!” Arai wiggles his fingers rather stupidly while he sticks his tongue out at Ryuu and gesticulates at him.

Ryuu’s eyebrow twitches as Arai’s tongue wags in his face. He reaches out and pushes Arai out of the way with his fist. “What the hell happened to the Night World? We’re supposed to be going after Lily the Third Phoneme. And where the hell’s everybody else?”

Kunai and Ivy suddenly trot up to Ryuu and Arai on the sidewalk, walking side by side. Ryuu glances at them with relief. “Oh, great. So I’m not going mad cow.”

“Actually…” Kunai mutters, and rips off his mask, revealing the face of Arayu.

Ryuu jumps in surprise, pointing at Arayu. “You’re our enemy! What the hell are you doing here?!”

“Well…” Ivy replies, and rips off her mask, revealing the face of Shuriken.

Ryuu glares lamely at Shuriken. “I’m not gonna ask…”

Ryuu turns impatiently to Arai. “So what the hell am I doing here? I’ve got more important stuff to do than hang around this dump all day.”

“Actually, Ryuu, you don’t,” Arai replies with a large grin on his face. “You see, we called you over here for a real important reason. The big bad Malady of Ellinia has stolen all our cookies! Only you can save us by stealing them back!”

“And I should help why…?” Ryuu mutters.

“Well, Ryuu,” Shuriken answers, “We tried offering her your sword in exchange, but she said no deal and ran off with it too, so if you want your sword back…”

Ryuu sighs out of frustration. “All right, all right, I’m in. What do we have to do to get this stupid witch to give us our stuff back?”

Arai scratches his chin thoughtfully in a rather prolonged way. Finally, he turns to Ryuu and, with a grin planted on his face, points to something behind Ryuu.

Ryuu turns, and discovers that the haunted house behind him has grown into a huge, rickety, twisting tower extending far into the folds of the cloudy autumn sky.

“Mrs. Malady lives all the way up there,” Arai explains cheerfully, “So I figure that we can climb up there and ask her nicely for our cookies back.”

“Not to mention my sword…” Ryuu mutters. “But how the hell are we going to get all the way up there? And once we do, how are we gonna get our stuff back with no weapons?”

“You have a broom, don’t you?” Arai smiles.

Ryuu groans. “Like a broom’s gonna substitute for a sword…”

Shuriken shrugs absentmindedly, still neglecting to remove his Ivy costume, save for the mask. He points ahead to the haunted mansion ahead of them. “Well, shall we get going then?”

“Like I’m gonna work with you!” Ryuu growls, rounding on him, “After you just transformed into a Paradox and tried to kill us all!”

Shuriken shrugs again in a nonchalant fashion. “What’s in the past is in the past…”

“That happened yesterday…” Ryuu grumbles.

“Anyway!” Arai interrupts, dashing forth, “We must save our cookies! To Mrs. Malady’s hideout!”

“Right!” Ryuu, Shuriken, and Arayu reply uniformly, and as a group the three of them plus Arai make for the entrance to the old, neglected mansion.

But as they approach the door, three flashing figures appear before them, and block their path. Ryuu pauses in astonishment to take a good look at their faces.

Suddenly, his face contorts in skepticism and surprise, as he waves his hand wildly at the three standing in front of them. “What the hell are they doing here?!” he asks Arai.

Arai shrugs, a smile on his face. “Oh? Do you know these three funnily dressed men, Mr. Ryuu?”

Ryuu turns back to the three and notices for the first time that they too are wearing costumes. However, unmistakably, each carries his own weapon—a sword, a bow, and twin daggers.

“The Soul Eaters…Ezekiel, Azuria, and Noel!” Ryuu growls in a deep grunt.

However, each Soul Eater is dressed curiously in a strange costume. Ezekiel wears a sparkling disco outfit, abandoning his Blue Bamboo Hat for a gigantic Afro wig.

Meanwhile, Azuria is dressed in a pirate costume, complete with wooden leg, eye patch, pirate’s hat, and a fake parrot sitting on his left shoulder.

Lastly, Noel stands shivering slightly in front of them as he stands dressed in a schoolgirl’s outfit, complete with a fake wig of long brown hair and a ridiculously short skirt around his thighs.

Ryuu turns to each subsequent Soul Eater, eyeing their costume with a look of incredulity. First, he stares at Ezekiel, and bursts out laughing rather disrespectfully. Then he turns to Azuria, and shrugs indifferently. Lastly, he faces Noel, and stares for several seconds. “That’s just creepy…” he remarks under his breath.

“Anyway,” Ryuu growls threateningly, unsheathing his witch’s broom, “what the hell are you three doing here? If you’re gonna stand in the way…”

Ezekiel, being the leader, shrugs as well, glancing around confusedly. “I have no idea why we’re out here, either…but it seems as though we’ve been called on to protect this fortress, and as strange as our uniform garb is, we must accept this mission and stop you.”

Ryuu sighs deeply while Arai stands by his side, nonchalantly chewing on a fresh cookie. Ryuu turns to Arai in outrage. “Hey! HEY! I THOUGHT THAT THEY TOOK ALL YOUR COOKIES?!”

Arai covers his ear with his one free hand, smiling teasingly at Ryuu. “Ryuu, Ryuu! It’s not nice to scream so loud in one person’s ear…they might never offer you cookies again.”

“I DON’T WANT COOKIES, DAMMIT, I WANT MY SWORD SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE MAIN STORY!” Ryuu retorts angrily, spit flying from his mouth.

Arai calmly takes out a handkerchief and wipes his cheek clean where Ryuu’s spit had landed. At last, he finishes the cookie and claps his hands to get the crumbs off. “Well, it’s true I still have cookies…but think of all the cookies that Mrs. Malady has that have yet to been eaten!”

“YOU TRADED MY SWORD AWAY WHEN YOU STILL HAD PLENTY OF COOKIES TO SPARE?!” Ryuu howls, a vein nearly popping in his temple. He whips his witch’s broom through the air and whacks Arai across the head.

Arai grabs his forehead, where the blow had landed. He totters around stupidly for several seconds, as if about to collapse. “Ow, ow, ow!”

Arayu shakes his head disapprovingly at Ryuu and Arai. “Our enemy’s over there!” he shouts, charging straight for the three Soul Eaters.

Ryuu nods, finally coming to his senses. He dashes to Arayu’s side, his witch’s broom drawn. With a powerful slash, Ryuu brings the tip of his broom crashing down on Ezekiel.

However, Ryuu gives a grunt of surprise as the tip of the broom merely bounces off Ezekiel’s Afro, and sends the broom bouncing backwards.

“What the…?” Ryuu mutters, “It’s also used as a defense mechanism?”

“My turn!” Arai cheers, rushing forth with his Dark Ritual. He flies through the air and blows each Soul Eater away with one strike of his Lightning Spear.

Ryuu gazes in awe at the power of Arai’s attack. “When the hell did this guy get so strong…?”

Arai laughs, as all three Soul Eaters collapse to the floor, pummeled into a dizzy daze. He gives Ryuu the peace sign in celebration. “Nice and healthy cookies pumped with INT!”

“Oh…” Ryuu replies blankly.

“Okay!” Arai cries, leading the way, “To the top of the tower where Mrs. Malady is waiting! Our adventure is drawing to a climax-type encounter with the villain of our fateful story! Our noble cause to restore the cookies of wisdom must not fail!”

“Whatever,” Ryuu mutters, waving Arai off, “Let’s just go.”

Arai watches as Ryuu nonchalantly leads Shuriken and Arayu up the steps into the tower leading up to into the chambers of Mrs. Malady. “Hehe!” Arai shrugs, running to keep up with Ryuu.

Arai leads the way as the group enters the uppermost floor of the haunted mansion, the hideout of Mrs. Malady. Before them lies a gigantic mound of cookies, all stacked on top of each other. At the very pinnacle of this mountain of cookies lies Ryuu’s gleaming Twin Dragons.

“That’s it! My sword!” Ryuu cries, making a move to dash out of hiding and grab the sword.

However, Arai presses a finger to his lips signaling silence and pulls Ryuu back forcefully, so that he falls heavily on his bottom. Ryuu gets up again, rubbing his butt where he’d fallen. “What’s the big idea, Arai?!”

“We have to be careful! Otherwise the big bad enemy is gonna get us! Haven’t you ever seen any of those scary movies? This is where they sneak up on us and then we scream really loud!” Arai whispers rather loudly.

“Screw that!” Ryuu growls, “Do you think that some big, scary bogeyman or werewolf is gonna jump out with a chainsaw or something? All we have to do is get my sword back and that’ll be the end of things! I’m not gonna be scared of some old hag who tried to steal my sword!”

Ryuu, despite Arai’s hesitation, jumps out of their hiding spot behind a jumbled pile of cardboard boxes, and attempts to ascend the mound of cookies, before freezing in his tracks.

Lit by some mysterious, dim light overhead, before Ryuu is the shadow of a gigantic snail-like creature, crawling slowly towards him. Ryuu shouts in alarm, pointing at the shadow. “AHH! IT’S SNAILMOM!”

Ryuu clutches his witch’s broom tightly in both hands, ready to swat at the beast. However, as the gigantic shadow nears him, Ryuu fails to see anything. He blinks perplexedly. “Huh? Where’d it go…?”

“Down here, idiot!” a squeaky voice cries at Ryuu’s feet.

Ryuu glances down and notices a small Green Snail sitting by his feet. He blinks perplexedly, failing to comprehend the situation. Finally, he blinks again and bends down over the snail, recognizing its voice. “OTIS?!”

“Hehe!” Otis squeaks, giving Ryuu the thumbs up, “The one and only, loser!”

Ryuu sighs, a lame expression crossing his face. “Well, with a couple cross dressers, a guy in a disco suit, and a guy obsessed with cookies, I guess this shouldn’t surprise me anymore, should it?”

Suddenly, a great wind breaks out overhead, despite them being indoors. A swoop of this gust flies past them, ruffling Ryuu’s hair.

Ryuu glances up as a hoarse cackle sounds above them. A Malady sits in the air, hovering over them and cackling grotesquely.

Ryuu bares his teeth, clutching his witch’s broom. “So you must be Mrs. Malady…” he growls softly.

“That’s right!” Mrs. Malady caws, “Are you that big, handsome redhead Mr. Arai told me about?”

Ryuu starts and glances over in Arai’s direction, who merely smiles and shrugs. Ryuu sighs, and waves his witch’s broom threateningly. “Listen, either give me my sword back or I’ll have to take you down!”

“I can’t do that,” Mrs. Malady replies, “I’m having much too fun with this super store of cookies!”

“Personally,” Ryuu sighs, “I don’t care a lick about those damn cookies. I just want my sword back.”

“Well if you want your sword back so badly…” Mrs. Malady cackles, a hideous smile spreading across her wrinkled face, “then you’ll have to fight me for it!”

Ryuu nods, his frown turning into a smirk. “Finally, someone says something that makes sense around here! I’ll gladly embarrass you and beat you!”

With an arrogant wave of his broom, Ryuu sneers down at the witch. “I’ll bet you’ve never seen anyone such as the likes of me, huh? Allow me to demonstrate my power!”

Arai suddenly cries out, realizing Ryuu’s intentions. “Ryuu! Don’t—”

Without warning, Ryuu suddenly releases a steady stream of fire from within his body, setting the broom afire. He suddenly realizes that his weapon has caught on fire and is smoldering.

Comprehension finally dawns on Ryuu’s face, quickly followed by a look of repulsed exasperation. “Right…the broom’s made of wood…”

“No matter!” Ryuu shouts, “I’ll take you down before this whole broom burns down! That should be more than enough time for me to beat the likes of you!”

Mrs. Malady suddenly lands on the ground, removing her broom from under her and wielding it as a sword as well. She turns to face Ryuu, serious at last. “We’ll see about that.”

Ryuu charges forward first, and sends the broom crashing down onto the floorboards, while Mrs. Malady agilely evades the blow. At once, the floor becomes alight with fire, and begins burning eagerly.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Malady counters the attack with one of her own, nailing Ryuu in his blind spot easily, breaking his shoulder blade. Ryuu collapses to the floor groaning, grabbing his right shoulder with his left hand.

Ryuu raises his half-burnt broom, anger reflected in this eyes. “Damn you. Take this!” He lunges forward with renewed spirit, but Mrs. Malady somehow manages to avoid his each and every attack.

With a powerful, decisive finality, she strikes Ryuu on his injured shoulder again, sending him falling on both knees once more. Ryuu groans under the pain of his injured shoulder. He stares at the wound. “No blood…” he murmurs, rubbing it.

“No time for ruby-dubby!” Mrs. Malady cackles, bringing her broom crashing down over Ryuu’s head.

In desperation, Ryuu raises his own broom to counter the attack, shutting his eyes tightly, anticipating the pain of a direct blow to the head.

Instead, Ryuu opens his eyes, and stares at the weapon in his hands, burnt out and barely a stub of a broom handle. He stares as Mrs. Malady holds her own broom over it. “I BLOCKED IT WITH THIS STUB OF A WEAPON?!” Ryuu cries incredulously. “EVEN I DON’T BELIEVE THAT!”

However, Mrs. Malady merely retreats her broom and attacks again, picking the stub clean out of Ryuu’s hands, knocking it to the floor and crushing it with the sole of her shoe.

She places the very tip of her broom across Ryuu’s throat, as if it were a real blade. Ryuu stares at it, rendered immobile by the pain in his shoulder and lack of weapon.

“Ryuu…dear Ryuu, there’s something very important that I need to tell you…” Mrs. Malady mutters softly, causing Ryuu to glance up at her in alarm.

“What is it?” Ryuu mutters, unable to contain his curiosity.

“Ryuu…I’m your mother,” Mrs. Malady whispers.

“WHAT?!” Ryuu cries in absolute alarm.

Ryuu shakes violently, thrashing around in his spot on the floor. Finally he stirs, opening his eyes and gazing around in a puzzled daze. He is laying down in the midst of a dim campfire, burned to nearly smoldering ashes.

Around him are the faint outlines of the sleeping bags of Ayame, Ivy, and Kunai as well, forming a circle around the campfire in a quiet forest clearing in the middle of the Night World.

Ryuu turns his head to his right and immediately sees Ayame sitting up, staring at him curiously. “What are you looking at?” Ryuu mutters haughtily.

“You were thrashing around pretty badly,” Ayame shrugs, “were you having a bad dream?”

“Nah,” Ryuu replies, “Y’know, just the same kind of dream I have every night, where I’m bashing in the heads of enemies, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Ayame replies.

“Although…except this time…” Ryuu mutters, serious this time, “I did see one person in that dream that greatly disturbed me…”

“HI, RYUU!” Arai shouts, suddenly springing forth from out of nowhere with a cookie in hand.

Ryuu starts in surprise and shouts out loud, yelling out into the darkness. “ARAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!” He then collapses into a faint stupor on his sleeping bag.

Arai turns to Ayame with a puzzled expression on his face and removes his mask, revealing the darker features of Kunai. “Um…did I show Ryuu my Arai costume for Halloween at a bad time?”

Next Time: Episode 15 The Trail Grows Hot

Ryuu: Woot! At last, we can get back to the main story.

Ivy: Ryuu, I don’t think you can use the word ‘woot’ in the preview.

Ryuu: And why not?

Ivy: Because ‘woot’ is an Internet slang term!

Ryuu: What is this In-ter-net you speak of?

Episode 15 The Trail Grows Hot coming soon!