I tried to have a strong plot in this Fire+Blood series, which my Tactical Wars stories obviously lacked.
Enjoy!
400 August 14, 2011
“Hey Steve, is this your first war mission?” Steve was a frail young boy, no more than 16 years old. He had a narrow, but tall frame.
“Uhh, yeah, this is my first war mission. Usually, I treat people who were injured in battle, outside of battle.” I could see that Steve didn’t have much confidence in himself. He was slouching, and never gave me eye contact when talking. The weapon he took was simply a Desert Eagle – A pistol, and only a pistol.
“Don’t worry, Steve. I’ll protect you,” said I, grinning. I then walked towards Monica. “Haha, Monica, again with the power weapons?” said I. Monica had two shotguns: A Saiga 12 and a Remington 870.
“Well, you know what they say – The best defence is a good offence.” That’s what she based everything on; from tactics, fighting style and arsenal.
I turned, ready to talk to Ben, but realised that he was sleeping. He was already ready – He had pockets full of magazines and an HK33 in his arms, across his chest.
500 August 14, 2011
My team and I were at the rendezvous point, perfectly on time. “OK guys! Keep your eyes open. The information from the WDS says that 4 terrorists attacked this area. There is the OICW stored here, and we can’t let that go into enemy hands! They’ll be looking for the OICW, so we have to eliminate the terrorists before they find it and radio each other in its location. Let’s go!” My team and I decided to stick as a group, so we have more firepower and are stronger against the enemies, instead of splitting up.
“Wait, I think I hear something,” said Ben. I turned around and prepared to talk, but soon realised he wasn’t behind me.
“Wait, stop! Ben! He’s gone, he ran off!” I exclaimed. I tried to radio him, but he wouldn’t respond. “Team! Stay close, we’re going to circle the area, and hopefully, we can find Ben before they find him.”
545 August 14, 2011
“We’ve been walking for almost and hour now ” moaned Monica.
“What are you trying to say? We’re not going to leave Ben to die out here,” said I. Monica went silent.
Suddenly, a series of shots were fired at us. However, they all hit the desert sand, making the area dusty, making the job worse for the poor-aimed terrorist shooter. We quickly dashed to the side, out of the shooter’s view, who was up on a rooftop. I took out my Parker-Hale M-85 and tried to snipe the gunner, but was blinded by the bright sun. “I can’t shoot him, the sun’s too bright!” I hissed.
“Let me handle this-” Monica took out her Saiga 12 and shot 7 times into the general area of the gunner, wasting a full magazine. She then took out her Remington 870 and shot 8 times into the area. Steve then peeked in the distance.
“I don’t see him I think you killed him, good job Monica!”
“See, I told you that would work!” She flipped her hair into my face, with an expression of victory, and proceeded into the building the gunner was on. “Oh oh my goodness! Ben!” Ben was lying on the floor, with multiple bullet wounds in his chest.
“Steve! Help him! You’re a medic, so do something!” He injected Ben with a fluid.
“This will help you live longer, and hopefully it will be enough time to help you.” He worked with needles, scissors and thread. Ben had a painful look. His face was streaked with tears and blood. However, Ben was a man of little words – He held in the pain, and didn’t make a single squeal.
A few minutes later, I asked about his progress. Realising his inevitable death, I hissed at Steve. “C’mon! We should go! We can’t all die. Then this will all be pointless!”
“No! He’s my friend, and I’m not going to leave a friend without at least trying.” Half an hour later, Steve stepped away from Ben. “I’ve removed all the bullets But there’s no way this will work. He’s taken too much damage. His internal organs are bleeding, and they can’t repair,” explained Steve, sobbing.
“Is there anything we can do?” questioned Monica.
“No There’s nothing we can do.” We all sat next to Ben, trying to be as close to him as possible, trying to make him feel comfortable. We all knew that the only thing we could do is to sit there and watch as he suffered and died. Grief fell on us, and discouraged us to complete our mission.
“Maybe Maybe we should just go home. If we stay here, we all may d-“
I cut off Steve. “We aren’t going to have Ben’s actions in vain. We’ve already killed one terrorist, but sadly, they’ve killed one of us. We’ve started this mission; I say we complete it!”
700 August 14, 2011
We marched and patrolled the area in silence, faces shadowed by our hats. We had our heads, down, trying to hold in our sadness and tears. The desert sun was above the horizon now, and it was getting hot. Suddenly, I saw an outline of a person. “Wait!” I took out my rifle and scoped into the distance. I confirmed it – It was a terrorist.
“What is it, John?” questioned Monica, with hope.
I pulled the trigger, and suddenly, the figure collapsed. “Bullseye! I killed him! He was a terrorist! 2 down, 2 more to go,” celebrated I, with enthusiasm. However, my joy quickly faded, as I remember of what happened to Ben.
We patrolled the area for another hour or so. “I’m tired can we rest for a bit?” moaned Steve.
“Yeah, take a break. But keep your eyes peeled,” I directed. We sat in the shade of one of the buildings for several minutes. Suddenly, I heard a loud bang in the distance. I turned to check on my team, and saw Steve. He was shot right through the neck. “No! No! This can’t be happening I promised… I promised I wouldn’t let this ever happen again!”
Monica gasped at the sight of Steve. He collapsed and fell to the ground with blood squirting out of his neck. When she realised what happened, she let out a loud scream. “Monica, stop! We have to keep quiet and not reveal our location! Let’s move!”
830 August 14, 2011
We gasped for air. I looked around and checked our location, seeing if it was a good spot and away from enemy sight. Confirmed, I then checked on Monica’s condition. She was strucken, with a shocked look on her face. I realised that Monica was in a state of emotion crisis, and told myself that I had to keep an eye on her as well, just in case. “Monica, it’s OK. Everything will be just fine. We’re going to get out of here, and we’ll We’ll go surfing like you always wanted to.”
Of the missions I’ve been on with Monica, none of them had deaths. They were simply capturing terrorists, defusing bombs or infiltration – Nobody ever died on those missions, not even the enemy. “What do we do now?” said Monica, shaking.
“We wait. It’s too risky for us to wander around. We should wait here and let the terrorists come to us.” The area was good. We were in a dark building, which nobody could see us from the outside, but we could see them. There was no way in or out either, except through the front door. It was a perfect sniping spot. It was not a very good spot for Monica to shoot from, but she wasn’t in a condition that should could hold a gun properly anyways.
“Monica, what I want you to do is keep calm. All I want you to do is stay there, take deep breathes, and think of the best memory you had. We’ll talk about our best memories.”
She sat there for three hours in silence. I waited for her to speak, while also scoping out a boarded up window to check if any terrorists were near. During that time, I tried to speak to her, but she wouldn’t respond, making me feel as if I was talking to a myself or a ghost.
“When I was 5 years old, my dad took me out for ice cream. We all went together My mom, my older sister, my little brother and my dad ” she finally whispered, crying.
“It must have been a perfect day. What happened afterwards?” I questioned, stubbornly.
“They They died the next day. They were killed in a car crash while I was at piano practise.”
I was speechless. I didn’t know how to respond. There was no answer that could make her feel better or make the situation sound more pleasant. After a few minutes, I let out pathetically, “I’m sorry I asked.”
1200 August 14, 2011
She seemed not to be sad anymore. At times even, she laughed. However, I realised afterwards her laughter was false. After two hours of lame small talk and jokes, she said to me, “I don’t understand How can my life be so horrible? I don’t want to live anymore ” She ran out the door, and I chased after her.
“No! Don’t go out there! Don’t be stupid! You have your whole life ahead of you!” However, she wouldn’t listen to me. I checked with my scope, and saw a terrorist jump out of a building. I got my Parker-Hale M-85 ready to fire, aimed at the terrorist, and clicked. I clicked again. Once more, I clicked the trigger. I panicked and shook my rifle. Confused, I did what I thought was the best thing to do at the time – I ran out the door towards the terrorist.
I was too slow. Before I knew it, Monica was dead on the floor, struck by numerous bullets of the terrorist’s AK-47 assault rifle. I hid behind a building and watched as he mindlessly kicked and shot Monica. Shrouded with anger, I dashed towards the terrorist. Luckily for me, the terrorist wasted all of the bullets of his magazine on Monica, shooting her corpse long after she was killed. I cursed at him, tackled him in which he fell to the ground. Crying, I hissed, “Die, asshole!” I took out my combat knife and sliced him multiple times.
Comment please, thanks.
EDIT – Edited paragraph 3, 6, Added Paragraph 17, Edited paragraph 18, 27, 28, 39, 40
Unnecessary.
EDiT: I haven’t mentioned that you shouldn’t give up just because you received some criticism. Although there were a considerable amount of errors and flaws within your story, I still enjoyed reading it very much. I’m sure iPod feels the same too, and if not, then I’ll punch him in the face for you. I’m looking forward to the next chapter very very much.
[♠]
I feel that it is missing a bit. For one thing, why did the terrorist slit Steve’s throat but not everyone else’s? Why didn’t he just take out his gun and fire away at the oblivious squad? And for the newer readers, I guess you should actually write out the acronyms (like OICW) so people will have a better chance of understanding them. Also:
It seems a bit too direct, rushed. How do they know he is on the rooftop if they dashed to the side as soon as possible? Maybe ‘who seemed to be on the rooftop’ or something. As a newbie, I have no idea.
Also, why do you speak twice in a row?
“Haha, Monica, again with the power weapons?” said I. Monica, “
Huh? I almost thought Monica said that. Anyways, maybe combine them, or insert some other dialogue in between?
I think that’s it.
Wait, my Grammar Nazi is awakening:
Peeked, not peaked. Peaked means to reach your best level, or reach the top. Peeked it to quickly look around or something.
Squeal. Is squeel a word? Maybe. Just not the one you’re looking for.
And for all who say I should stop flaming, Arley wrote ‘Comment please, thanks.’ thus giving me the right to comment.
Also, how exactly does this really relate to Chap 1? Sorry, but I thought it was only marginally related. No offense or anything.
~Pod
Quick Crit: OICW – Objective Individual Combat Weapon. Generally taken to me the XM29, which is a weapon that isn’t catagorised as a rifle as it shares characteristics with a grenade laucher and air burst cannon. Basically, a prototype own all weapon.
Yeah, the knife scene was a little w-t-f for reality’s sake. An ambusher could have easily dispatched all of them with a knife, why stop at one? And if so, how did the assailant disappear so quickly? Why not just gun them all down at close range?
The shotgun spray also is interesting. I can’t see a logical reason why you would waste muntions at an unseen target that isn’t even returning fire. Unless you’re insanely close to a munitions depot or something, it’s bred into you to conserve ammunition.
How come they did not hear gunshots preceeding Ben’s discovery?
How come they can walk for so long and not encounter anyone. As in, the patrol times and time lapses are subject to inquiry.
If Ben was injured so badly, how come his body didn’t ‘automatically shut down’ as in, because the body cannot cope with the damage, it goes catonic until external aid is available. And it just doesn’t seem rational that a medic would work for a full half an hour before deducing his injuries were too severe. Casevac anyone?
Casevac = Casualty Evacuation.
Why is John’s ‘squad’ only composed of a fire team? (There’s nothing really wrong here but would YOU send out four soldiers to stop an unidentified amount of terrorists in an urban area?) Unless they’re akin to Special Operations, which their actions and tactics seems to go against.
Action scene at the end, if the pace is fast, don’t need to suddenly ruin the movement by elaborately explaining the ‘safety’s on’ problem. Short and concise.
You do not get ‘impaled’ by bullets. Unless you’re as thin as paper and the bullet is longer than you are and somehow failed to penetrate your body fully. I’ve never heard of a Parker-Hale 85. The Parker-Hale PDW however, is a defunct submachinegun from the UK.
How frakking quick can Ben run? In the beginning, he finished one sentence and then somehow teleports away from his squad without a sound. How is that possible?
In the event of a possible firefight (near the end with Monica going Martyr-style), would you really say “What is wrong with my gun?”[/i] By the time you would say it – you’re dead. If Steve was already incapacitated AKA dead, why would John even bother telling Monica not to reveal their location. Hello? One of your guys already copped it. If they didn’t know your location, how did they do it?
At the end, you said John ‘took out’ his Parker-Hale. Now, unless for some really weird reason between the time he tried to shoot the terrorist first and to when he tackled the terrorist that he put it in his pocket (which isn’t even possible, it’s a SMG for heaven’s sake, where are you going to put it in in the first place?)
And this is how long my post is WITHOUT any grammatical corrections. I only stopped because I have to go.
Fundamental rule: THINK. Put yourself in the situation if it helps. LOGIC
~Lily x33.
Sorry, I’ll edit it a bit. Thanks for the good criticism. And sorry about scrapping Tactical Wars, but I guess it was more personal. I simply wasn’t satisfied with it.
But I’m still going to write, no matter. I need to improve my writing and english before I reach high school so I don’t fail english then.
EDIT – I read over your comments again, and realised how many careless mistakes I make.