Someone in my last post about Mary-Sues said that it would be a good idea for me to write a sickeningly exaggerated Mary-Sue. I don’t know what they were smoking, but it actually started to sound kind of…fun. So I did it.

Keep a trash can nearby, you will need it for all the barfing you might do.

~*~

THE TALE OF THE MOST UBERLY-BEAUTIFUL MARY SUE.
Written by Vicelin, because she was as bored as all hell.

A very beautiful girl walked into the bar at Kerning City to become a thief. She wants to be an ASSASSIN, because being an assassin is about as original as butter and toast. The bar was uber crowded with drunks, because it is…DUN DUN DUUUN…a bar.

Everyone in the bar shuts up as soon as they see the beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, eye-catching, beautiful girl grace their presence. We say beautiful twice on purpose, because she is so beautiful that you can even put fifty beautifuls in one sentence, and there will still never be enough beautifuls to describe her astounding beauty.

Now, it is imperative that we continue to describe her beauty some more, and not the putrid smell and ugliness of the bar, and all eleventy-hundred horny drunks staring at her, because taking notice of ugliness may diminish the beauty of the main character.

Her hair is long silky and smooth, and is a strangely unique shade that no one has ever seen before—a beautiful, gorgeous blend of golden-blonde-silverish-bronze-brown, which shimmers and sparkles like glitter when kissed by the gentle rays of the sun.

Since it is no color any living being has ever layed eyes upon before, we will just call it…DUN DUN DUUUUN…beautiful.

Her eyes are even more unique and beautiful than her hair. They are a combination of ruby-cherry-crimson-scarlet-ginger-gold. Also, depending strictly on the lighting of the room she is in, they may shimmer and dance and appear a beautiful shade of peach-pink-silver-violet, somehow NOT making her look like she has overdosed on enough pot to sink Mexico.

Anyway, we have now been introduced to our dazzling alluring amazing angelic charming picturesque beautiful stunning gorgeous elegant good-looking awe-inspiringly beautiful main character, whose name we finally learn is Annabellemarymisosoupkatherinesakuraandromedahikari. But everyone calls her Kitty for short, because it is just about as original as butter and toast.

She has no surname because she was neglected by her parents when she was a baby and then they died tragically, or are currently dying, or could possibly be on permanent vacation at Florina Beach and just did not feel like putting up with her ****.

Either way, she has always been alone and never before has felt love. But now we are lurking into the forbidden area of CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, and must return again to our heroine at the bar.

She is accepted as a thief with no trouble at all, because the Dark Lord was so stunned by her beautiful beauty that he forgot that he was hanging upside-down and accidentally fell, but Kitty instantly healed up his wound with a first-aid kit that she conveniently can pull out of her double-D bra.

Unfortunately, we now have no other choice now but to plunge back into the forbidden area of CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

It is revealed that Kitty is on a vengeful quest to avenge her dead/dying/most likely vacationing parents for…secret reasons which she bottles up inside that can only be released by true love.

So she trains furiously for about five days and reaches level one hundred and fifteen with no problem at all, because she is so beautiful and talented and gifted. She throws ilbis and steelies, naturally, because they…uh…bring out the color of her eyes.

It turns out that the killer of her parents was…DUN DUN DUUUUN…Zakum. So she goes to fight it now that she is an extremely uber powerful and beautiful assassin.

On her way there, she meets a beautifully handsome dark and mysterious man, and they have a three-minute stare-athon, probably because he can’t figure out what the hell color her eyes are and why she looks so doped up on pot. Or why her hair resembles the color of barf-colored cat piss.

But in those three mere minutes, they fall so deeply in love with each other, and they both know that it is true love that will last forever. And ever. And ever. Beautifully.

They both finally make it to Zakum, and of course it is now time for Kitty to play the role of damsel in distress, because her lover of three minutes must rescue her and be heroic and stuff so that they can fall deeper and deeper into love, since that is the main law of Mary-Sue romance. Did we mention that they are both beautiful?

Anyway, Zakum gets really P.O.’ed, and hits Kitty so hard that she flies across the room and slams into the wall and OMGLOL there is blood EVERYWHERE. But her beauty still distracts us from her blood covered body, so everything is A-OK!

And her lover of three minutes of course beats Zakum, and then he heals Kitty INSTANTANEOUSLY because…DUN DUN DUUUN…surprise! HE IS A CLERIC.

And they kiss and live happily ever after and live on forever and remain beautiful for eternity, because they are PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL together.

The. God. Damn. End.