One day, when a car crash knocked out my power lines, I kind-of sat for a bit and y’know, thought things over because I was bored. For some reason, I decided to think about Santa Clause, and then I thought of some more things. Then, I reached Global Warming.

Even IF Santa has a magic sleigh can probably fly, once the Ozone rips, he’ll be irradiated. Why doesn’t he have Skin Cancer yet? Seriously, if he has the cure to cancer, he should give it to us as a gift. Maybe no one asked yet?

Secondly, if the radiation doesn’t get him, the ice caps melting WILL. I doubt he has a magic snow machine, because he’d make sure his caps never melted then, right? And they are melting now, right? I wonder why Santa stays by the North Pole. If he didn’t want his caps melted, he should move to the bottom of the freaking ocean. No one would ever find him there, and if he has magic cancer medication, then he should have something to make it so he can live under the sea.

As I racked my brain for conclusions, I realized one horrible truth. See, there is a group that WANTS Santa to die. We know them as “The Government.” See, once he dies, no more good little boys and girls will get gifts, making everyone sad. This, in effect, causes a major decrease in toy sales (What, you think Santa actually MADE them?). After that, all those toy stores will close, as Santa supplies most of their money, you know. After that, there will be no one left to use his magic powers to turn milk and cookies into millions of dollars. Yes, you are being scammed by Santa, because he has a magic machine that turns milk and cookies into MONEY.

Then, the government will go to the bottom of the ocean and find Santa’s magic sleigh, and travel back in time to murder every political, religious, or debated-upon figure, and tell the people that they are to be worshiped when they appear in the future. Then, they will give the amazed people pictures of them, which will last for a long time. After that, they will probably travel to where Santa was born, and assassinate him.
After that, they will go to the future and rule the world, so, everyone, we must stop Santa from being murdered. Rally your people and spread the word!

… And this has practically nothing to do with Maple, mind you.