Chronicles of a Lost Legend, Chapter Two

Woot. I am finally done with Chapter Two. It took me a while to write. In Maple terms, I am still looking for a training parter (see previous blog). I hope you enjoy my story! Also, if you want to read the first chapter, go here:
link
Please R&R (rate and review) if you can. Thanks!
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Chronicle of a Lost Legend, Chapter Two

Zach had finally reached the gates of Ellinia. He flashed his pass at the soldier, and went through the gate. Ellinia, the beautiful town hidden in the trees and a majestic sight. Zach had never been to Ellinia before, and he had no idea where the food store was in this tangled web of trees. He asked around, until someone finally answered him.

“If you just follow this path, you’ll be at the food store,” the stranger said.

“Thank you for telling me,” Zach said as he began walking along the twisting path. As he was walking, someone bumped into him, but the stranger said sorry. Zach finally reached the food store and went inside. There, he saw many exotic foods he had never seen elsewhere. There were fruits of vibrant colors Zach never even knew existed, mouthwatering fresh cooked meat, and vegetables you could still see growing in large pots of soil.

“I’d like to buy this loaf of bread, Madam,” Zach asked politely to the woman who was working there.

“Ok, that’ll be 1000 mesos,” the woman said. Zach reached into his pocket for the mesos he had brought with him, but there wasn’t anything there.

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind for right now,” Zach said, in a panicky sort of tone. “Sorry for the trouble, Madam.”

Zach remembered the stranger who bumped into him. Then it came to him, he knew that the stranger must have been a pickpocket. Then he thought where a pickpocket might go after his latest “acquisition.”

“He could’ve gone to the local tavern!’ Zach muttered to himself, following the signs to the tavern. He finally got there, and then entered. People wondered what someone of his age would be doing in a tavern, although Zach wasn’t concerned about this. In this day of age, you didn’t have to be 21 to go into a tavern; you only did if you want to drink anything alcoholic. Zach looked around for the man who stole his mesos. He finally spotted the thief, who was wearing a black bandanna and a leather vest. Zach didn’t want to cause a scene, so he calmly sat down at the table next to the thief’s, ordering a glass of water.

“Hey, I think you have something that belongs to me, man,” Zach said calmly and quietly to the thief.

“I don’t believe I know what you are speaking of, sorry,” the thief replied.

Oh, I know you stole those mesos when you bumped into me. And I want them back now.”

“I already used the mesos, kid. It’s too late to get them back. Now scram.”

“Fine, then. How ‘bout a bet? We have a fight. If I win, you have to give me the exact amount of mesos you stole doubled.”

“And if I win, you have to be my slave for the rest of the day.”

“Deal.”

Zach and the thief drew their weapons and asked everybody to get back against the walls. Then, the fight began. Zach began by charging at the thief with his sword, and attempted to bring it down on him. But Zach noticed his sword hit the wall and the thief disappeared. The thief reappeared behind Zach and sliced at him with his cutter, who was still trying to get his sword out of the wall. Zach was in pain, but successfully drew his sword out of the wall. He was very angered by now. He gazed at the thief with piercing eyes, and the thief felt very threatened (BTW, this is supposed to represent the Page skill Threaten). The thief was paralyzed with fear as Zach charged at him, sword ready to strike. But Zach stopped his sword right in front of the thief.

“Admit I win, and I won’t have to kill you,” Zach said in a menacing tone. “And I don’t think you want to die, do you?”

“O-o-o-okay,” he stuttered. “You w-w-w-win. H-h-here’s the mesos t-t-t-times two. Now just p-p-please lave me alone.”

Zach received 2000 mesos from the thief, sheathed his sword, and walked away silently without a word. When he got outside, he headed back towards the food shop.

“I’d like to buy some bread please,” Zack said politely.
“Ok, 1000 Mesos,” the woman said. Zack handed over the mesos and was on his way with the bread. Zach then pulled out a scroll, muttered the incantation, and in a flash of blinding light, he disappeared and ended up at Perion. Zach was finally back at Perion.
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Well, that’s the end of Chapter Two. I’ll try and write Chapter Three soon. Thanks for taking the time to read!

~Sam

6 thoughts on “Chronicles of a Lost Legend, Chapter Two”

  1. Many things conspire to do that, Kajikurai; the time you post it, the people you (don’t) get.
    But I’m reading!

    I got confused at the appearance of the second stranger. Perhaps, since he was going to be appearing later on anyway, you could have described the thief a little more at his first appearance. Make him a little more shifty, you know, so that the reader can make a stronger connection to the whole ‘thief’ thing.

    The fight scene wasn’t bad (and I know how horrible it is to plan out a fight scene). Perhaps more details, to make it more exciting, emphasize the danger that Zach’s in or something. I can’t really help here, because I suck writing at fight scenes. 😛 But yeah. It could use more tension.

    Overall, there’s always room for improvement Hope that didn’t bore you. Keep writing! I want to see how this goes.

  2. Ah. About the time, I normaly would be here and I would be at school, but I am out for the week with pneumonia.

  3. Erm, but. Did Zach bought the bread? -_-, And if he have the return scroll, why don’t he have return scroll to Elinia. Weird. but anyway, room for improvement and nicely written. I liked the fighting part, but please make your blog

    LONGEEERRRRR,

  4. Um. I’ll add that part in. I can’t believe I forgot. >_>

    EDIT: Ok, the part I forgot is in now.

  5. Kajikurai said: “Why has my fanfic been the one virtually nobody reads? ;_;”

    lol reminds me of mine i wish i would get at least 1 comment so i know if anyone even sees it

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