Jirou had left the world. “I’m sure he’s in a better place,” Akio thought. Akio left the base and tried to find away out. It took him about two hours to. After that he saw Dark on the island sleeping. He swam over. Then Akio threw him over his shoulder. “C mon Dark it’s time to go,” Dark woke up. “Huh…?Akio,” he said. “Yea lets go,”
Trying again.
“Lets keep our fingers crossed that we don’t crash or find any murderers on the ship this time.” The ship is about two take off they heard from the distance. “OH DARN IT!” Akio screamed. They teleported over as fast as they could. The ship was gone. “Oh man,” Dark said.
???: Did you get any information on those two?
Liam: Yessir
Jirou: You know it.
So when are we planning to attack?
???: Soon..
Lets take a look where they are.
The mysterious man turned on the screen
Liam: Boarding the ship back to victoria..
Great finally the battle field is bigger.
???: Try not to get caught.
Where they are going has a lot of people living there.
Jirou: I never visited Victoria except when I first got my job.
Job Master: You have to promise
To protect any hurt citizens.
Never to kill anyone.
Never betray us theives.
Jirou: I guess you could say I didn’t listen to that guy.
Liam: I know…
“Well, Akio we’re going to have to go find an inn to stay in,” Dark said. The two boys searched all over Orbis. Orbis was a big town. By the time they found an inn it was midnight. It was called Maple Inn. Dark reached in his pocket for mesos. He got a chill down his spine. “Uhh hehe Akio do you have any mesos to spare,” Dark said. Akio checked his pocket. He almost passed out. “Nooo..,” he replied. The man stared at them supsiciously. Akio said to the man, “Uhh is it okay if we pay you tomorrow because we kinda sorta spent the money on tickets for the ship back to Victoria,” He replied “Your outta luck boys, the ship just left 10 minutes ago,” Then he said, “I’ll let you stay if…you give you your staff,” He was looking at Akio. He gulped. “But s-sir,” Akio said. Dark stuck up for Akio and said, “That staff is worth alot of mesos,” The man replied, “No staff no room.”
The two boys eventually got kicked out of the inn. They both went training hoping to find some money on the ground. Dark was in luck. “Hey Akio I found some money,” he said. Akio replied, “Cool lets g-” Dark cut him off and said, “It’s only enough for me.”
Dark came back five minutes later. “There’s no one in there. He must’ve went to sleep for the night.” he said. Akio started to laugh.
To be continued
Hope it’s better than the last one
Nice story, I’ts getting much better. Try to put some space and make it longer. Check or grammar/spelling mistakes when your done. I’ve saw some mistakes. But You get my liked it.
Did you really like it this time or are you saying that because you think I stink and you feel bad?
Wth, I don’t do that. If you check for spelling and grammar and make it neater and longer, it’ll be very good, but I understood everything. I liked the part when the person had to sell the staff or no go.
lol
thanks
and thanks zaboombafu
I love all fan-fics, especially good ones. This needs some work. Grammar check and stuff, make it longer.
Was this good?
Too many grammatical/spelling errors.
You don’t need to put a comma after everytime someone speaks. “It works like this,” AznRiceFan said, “not like this.”,
Also, everytime someone different speaks in the same paragraph, you’re supposed to break and start a new paragraph.
Correct:
“Wow, do you smell something terrible?” Jim said.
“Yep, it’s you,” Bob said.
Incorrect:
“Wow, do you smell something terrible?” Jim said. “Yep, it’s you,” Bob said.
Don’t jump around from narrative form to script form unless there’s a specific creative reason.
Don’t write in a “He did this, he said that, she did this, she said that” mode. It completely kills the flow of a story. Take time out to describe things as they happen, and imagine what your characters would really say and do if they were real, based on their personalities. A shy person is not going to scream out loud for no apparent reason, an impulsive person is not gonna take time out to think over what he/she should do.
For instance, the hotel keeper disappears for no apparent reason towards the end of this chapter. Not only is it unrealistic because he’s in it for the money, but all of a sudden, he’s gone when he’s the owner of a hotel. It makes little sense, right? Things just don’t happen in real life for the sake of them happening, real, good, writing should mirror that as well.
thank you Azn
I edited it a little
Weee I get a room and he doesn’t =P
not exactky
Copy and paste it onto word and use spellcheck.
It’s gotten much better, but events are moving a tad bit too fast, still.
Slow down a bit, think about what you’re typing