Chapter One~
The Inncident on the ship to Ludibirum
Sorry if it stinks =S
indent—>Aiko is a boy 12 years old. He is a magician. Aiko is going to go see his Mother in Ludibrium. His mother and father got divorced when he was only seven. He lives with his father.
*Ring*
Aiko quickly got on the boat.
He made friends with a few people. There was a girl that really got his attention her name was Abby. She had long brown hair, she wasn’t small infact, she was bigger than Akio and she was his age, too.
The ship took off.
Akio had noticed earlier a person with a doombringer but whered did he go. He had spotted the warrior again. The warrior was all alone. He was taking a look at everyone there with his dark red eyes. Akio started hearing an odd sound. The warrior was gone again. Sparks were coming up from the engine. Akio had a bad feeling. The warrior is gone and the engine starts sparking at the same time.
BOOM
The engine had exploded. A few people fell off. It was pretty much the end for them.
The ship tilted. Everyone held on for there life. Akio called all people who had a job over which was pretty much everybody. He whispered, “Something is wrong with that warrior we have to kill him.” Akio didn’t know that a few peple there were that warriors friend. They had told him. Liam, the warrior’s nae was. He and his friends were planning an attack on everyone on the ship.
Abby went to go take on the warrior. Liam had to friends defending him. They were to archers Billy and Jason. Abby took out her doombringer. “You have a doombringer to?” Liam said. Abby took a swing out him with her doombringer. She used it good she wasn’t slow like all the others. Liam still had dodged all the attacks she threw. He took out his doombringer. “Billy and Jason attack her!” Liam said. Abby sliced them into bits. It was was just Liam and Abby now. A little blood came down her face. “What happened she said?” she said. Liam replied, “You’re fast….but I’m faster..than you.” He took his doombriner and shoved her off the ship with the handle.
Abby!!!
Abby’s boyfriend jump off the ship and took her by the hand and threw her back up. Her boyfriend fell off the ship. No doubt he’s dead.
It was now Akio’s turn to fight Liam. Akio pulled out his fairy wand. He launched two holy arrows at Liam. Liam got hit. He didn’t even twitch. He disappeared and appeared behind Akio and swung his doombringer. Akio teleported away and tried again with two more holy arrows. The same thing happened. Liam hit Akio in the rib cage. He fell. He got back up and collapsed again.
Abby threw him back into a priests hand. “Heal him.” said Abby. Abby thought:
This is like fighting something yuoo can’t see. I’m going to die. We all are.
Abby swung her sword.
Abby’s doombringer shattered.
Abby:”How did you do that?”
Liam:”Speed.”
Abby:”I have another sword and my ba…”
Liam:”Hahaha where do you think I got my doombringer from. I was to poor to buy one so I thought why not steal yours?”
Abby: “I’ll fight with my fists then.”
The two fought for hours until he knocked Abby. A priest named Mark came over and said, “I’ll fight you.” The two were evenly matched at speed.
The ship tilted again.
The priest almost fell off. He teleported back up to the top. Mark fired holy arrows at him. They hit Liam ann knocked him back off his feet.
The ship started falling out of the air.
Everyone already jumped off. The only ones who were still on were knocked out Abby and Akio. The ship had crashed at an island. They had never heard or seen anything like it.
Meanwhile….
Mark and Liam were in different areas. For the others it was a very uncomftorable feeling. Being on an island with a serial murderer.
Did he kill for a reason?
Akio and Abby became good friends. REALLYgood friends. Akio asked, “Abby, do you want to be my girlfriend?” Her reply was “Y-y-y-yes!”
Abby kissed Akio on the lips.
To Be Continued
Not really good. I couldn’t really follow the flow of events. You should add some thought shots and more dialogue. Also, use more descriptive words such as overwhelming, intense, carefree, etc.
That was sorta good I guess
how bout uhh you click on that thing on the bottom of the page =D
I didn’t really like it, so no. Make it easier to understand, make less happen, if there’s more happening make it longer.
it was longer than my other 1s =D im go read black nazgul’s the fire within
Don’t copy, just use the story as a guideline.
i dont lol
You better not.
Actually, I think you should read more stories, maybe it’ll help you improve. Some of the great authors on MMOTales:AznRiceFan, SilverFx, Aaru, Tarheel9, and BlackNazgul, etc,
Leivina, his Forgotten Silence series.
that was kinda good but u have to actually read over it
Does it matter?!
Yes it does.
No it doesn’t!
Ehh, choppy, poorly presented, and unoriginal (it seems like you took several events from a few other stories around the site and combined them into one). You also showed little understanding of grammar.
“She used it good she wasn’t slow like all the others.”
She used it WELL! Even if you had used the correct word, it still sounds awkward. Also, you forgot a semicolon in between the two independent clauses (and in many other places).
I’d work on a little character development as well. It wouldn’t help if you expanded upon the plot a little more. They planned on attacking everyone on the ship? Was the engine failure a part of the plan? Expand. Finally, the relationships seemed a little unrealistic. That Abby girl just met him and she’s already fallen in love (with a guy who WE as the reader hardly know anything about) while having a boyfriend? I find that a tad hard to believe.