I must right everything out for once.Well hope you enjoy.T_T no one readed part 1 zzz.If no one is going to read this time,looks like I have to stop writing.
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5 years has passed since then…
Ring Ring.Rang Crad’s alarm clock.Crad was a genius shynobi.He was Dark Lord’s best pupil for his 1st and 2nd job.And now Crad has reached 3rd job,he is Dark Lord’s apprentice.He put on his Dark Identity and his level 70 set.Beep beep.It was his maple messenger.
“Crad,I need you here now.”said Dark Lord
“Is this important?”asked Crad
“Alittle.I found u a team to be in.”said Dark Lord
“Understood.Coming right away.”said Crad
As Crad was about to come out of his house.He heard many girls screaming out his name.Crad was a cute boy.A glance at any girl could make her legs jelly and blush furiously.
“Crad,can you please train me?”asked girl
“Crad,want to hang out with me?”asked another
“Crad,please hang out with me.”said another one
“Argh.Fan girls.”said Crad getting annoyed.
He applied dark sight.
“Where did he go?”asked a girl which seemed to be the leader of the ‘Crad’s Fanclub’.
“Lets split up and find him.”said another.
Later on,Crad reappear at the Jazz,where Dark Lord was.
=======Crad’s Point Of View===
As I walked down the toilet with a hole in it,I saw a boy with blonde hair and a girl with raven hair.I wonder whether they were my new teammates.By looking at their clothes they must be some where around my level.
“Ah Crad.Come here.”said Dark Lord.”This is Crad.Crad this is Daichi and Jean,your new team mates.”
========Jean’s Point of View===
“Wow,he’s cute.”I thought to myself looking at him with love-sick eyes.
========Daichi’s Point of View===
“I can’t believe Jean is attracted to this Crad guy.Is he really better than me?”I thought to myself.”I hope he will not still her from me.”I thought.
========Crad’s Point Of View====
“I can’t believe im stuck with a dobe glaring at me like that and a girl looking at me with love-sick eyes.Why must Master Dark Lord put me in this team.Its a burden for me to get stronger and to kill that man.”thought Crad.
==========Normal Point of View===
“I will give you 3 a mission.I need you to get 5 Tauromacics Horn.Is that understood?”asked Dark Lord.
“Understood”said the 3 together and left in a puff of smoke.
“How going to SleepyWood?By scroll or walk?.”asked Daichi.
“By scroll.”said Crad.
“But I don’t have any.”said Jean.
“Here.”said Crad as he dropped the Sleepy Wood scroll.
“Thanks very much.”thanked Jean gratefully.
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Alittle preview on the next Cold Heart Part.3 (The mission)
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“Let me handle this”said Crad as he started to tighten his Dark Identity.
“Wow,he is so cool.”said Jean.
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Hope you enjoyed.Ty
improve your spelling and stop doing the point of view thing. do something like: Jean looked at him with love-sick eyes and thought about how cute he was.
Or something like: As Daichi was looking at the two of them, he was actually doubting Jean would like Crad.He could not believe Crad was better than him and hoped Crad would not steal Jean from him.
Although i am not a writer just by writing as if you are viewing the scene is easier for the readers to picture your stories
The main character sounds as if he’s the bestest best in the world because every girl he meets instantaneously falls in love with him.
That’s *very* unrealistic and got me quite pissed. O.o Sorry to be harshly frank. Or is it not harsh? Up to you to decide,
Oh yeah, one more thing. There is chatspeak inside, and your grammar needs improvement. The ‘point of view’ thing was something I have never seen before, but you do not need it at all, and was quite uncalled for. As what Simeiboy has stated, you can write out their feelings in plain paragraphs. And, it’s better to just stick to one person’s point of view and describe the other party’s facial expressions; leave the readers to guess their true emotions. You have room for improveen. Quite a lot, to be honest.