One thought on “Story of Sam Part 2: Raul”

1. Okay, i’m going to do some editing. I feel as if I need to improve this because I know you can do better.

   I’m going to divide your story into parts, and overall it is okay. You’re just lacking the smidges of detail that make it sound more exciting.

   “I awoke, but today the first things racing in my mind were Alex,Sharon, and Raul, my only friends,”

   Okay, you could say where you awoke. Do you live in the ludibrium villiage, or were you out on the bench, where were you? And when you say, when you awoke, you could say this: I awoke abruptly, and the only and first thing that was racing in my mind was my only three friends, Alex, Sharon, and Raul.

   “I started to head towards where Raul was training, Platoon Chronos, I sighed, for he was ALREADY 2 lvls higher then me!”
   Okay, well, after you were in bed, did you sleep in your clothes, or did you change at all? I’m sorry for being a bit nit-picky, but it seems that you didn’t do anything towards a narrative in real life. I know there are levels in maplestory, but instead of levels, you could say that there was an instructor who gave out ranks for those who earned enough experience: you could say they were two ranks higher than you.

   “I trained hard trying to show-off in front of Raul so he would consider talking a little bit to me. It seemed hard to do that because he killed every monster before I could hit them with my arrows.”
   This is good. I like this sentence: it showed that Raul was your immediate rival in leveling and ranking or whatever. This one is perfect.

   “I missed, it hit Raul. He glanced back saying, “Don’t interfere.” I stopped shooting arrows, and let Raul train peacefully. Little did I know Raul’s dark secret secret, “
   Okay, now, What did you miss? The chronos? You could say this:
   Even though Raul had killed most of the ones beyond my reach, I spotted a lone Platoon Chronos looking confused. I aimed at my bow at it, pulling back the bowstring as far as it could go, and I closed one of my eyes for better accuracy. Raul was heading towards that Chronos, and I was startled at his sudden appearance. I let go of my bowstring by mistake, and it soared off, and hit Raul square into the back. He soon glanced back at me, with a piercing look, and said dangerously, “Don’t interfere.” I felt discouraged from that, pulled down my bow, and stopped shooting. I headed out of the map, and let him train peacefully. Little did I know he had his own, dark, dark secret up his sleeve.

   “Today I trained calmly, thinking about the words, “Don’t interfere”, “
   This is good, this is another sentence I like.

   “I headed to Eos Tower to Party Quest there I found a Cleric, 3 Assassins, 1 I/L Wizard. they all humbly welcomed me into their party. I gladly accepted, “
   Well, you could say this.
   I headed to Eos Tower, a humungous tower that reached the skies. I entered the massive tower, and climbed one floor: a room where a magical stop sign let a party of six people enter to vanquish the mighty Alishar.
   Up to there, it’s okay. You don’t have to use my style of writing: but no one will know what an Eos Tower is if they’ve never played the game. You should describe every detail in the story.
   Then, for the cleric, assasin part, you can describe them. You can add your own tidbits of detail.
   For assassins: “They looked dark and shady, they had to be assassins, with their stars jingling in their pockets.”
   Its up to you, and you could say the i/l was playing with lightning in his hands.

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