Thanks for all your input! I’ve decided to use my wizard’s name, so it might be a bit weird.
Tranquilled was annoyed and angry. After four days straight of killing Jr. Cellions, she had gotten enough ores to make ten garnets and six amethysts, but not enough experience to get to level 43. “I’m sick and tired of this! The person who suggested this menial exercise is going to die!” she roared in guildspeak. After drinking a pain reliever and putting up her magic guard, she jumped off the rope she was clinging to and plummeted through the Garden of 3 Colors, her red robes fluttering slightly in the wind. After landing and losing 12 HP, she cursed her incompetence, annihilated a Jr. Lioner and teleported to and through the portal.
Cloud Park I wasn’t a very good training place. With all those freakishly grinning pixies, Tranq had nearly lost her mind trying to collect 20 cloud pieces. She checked her inventory. “I guess I should go to Ludibrium now and finish that quest,” she said, looking at the Pink Mesoranger’s Clock holding a slot in her inventory. She flipped to the Use section. “No, I guess I CAN’T,” she noted, riling up and ready to kill, “I need to drink four hundred more white potions!” She jumped off of her cloud, missed the next, and landed on a platform filled with Star Pixies. Irate, she ripped through twelve of them before jumping on a rope and going back to Orbis.
That’s all I’m up to writing today. (CANKER SORES SUCK) Tell me if it’s really bad or what, I don’t really know.
Um. . . trying making just a tiny bit longer.
Yes, I know, but I feel awful since canker sores generally make me feel horrible.
What the heck is a canker? No wait, I’ll go look it up at Wikipedia.
Edit- Uh, gross.
It doesn’t matter how long it is. It matters if it gets your attention or not. Look at tarheel’s first chapter of The Boy Was Lucky.
Why do you always say that Jesus?
Because it’s true.
Yeah well we already know that and now its getting annoying. Well to me at least.
Well, then you should stop saying the same thing.
Calm down guys.
-=The Nazgul=-
Erm . . . lets try to stay on topic here. this is about Betthy’s story, not someone elses.
Anyway, this is my critique.
Firstly, try to be consistent. In some places you type out actual numbers (ex, but not enough experience to get to level 43), which is not used in literature unless needed, for example a street address, telephone number or some other form of second-hand information that the character is being exposed to). So in the beginning I was a tad worried, until you wrote “I need to drink four hundred more white potions!”, which I was much more pleased with. Like I said, consistency.
And regarding the length, a chapter this short is usually only acceptable as a prologue. So far, I have only seen James Patterson manage to pull off several one/two-paged chapters that actually seem professionally compiled, and suitable for the story it is used in. For the content that you are dealing with, I would say avoid short chapters, or things could get ugly.
One last observation I made . . . but it is more of a personal opinion. Try to stay away from too many in-game MS references such as levels (those can be shown through clothing descriptions, for an easier solution), HP and MP (which I would try to avoid referencing all together, since it is difficult for someone to comprehend the reality of your character when they suddenly have to drink twenty potions that come out of seemingly nowhere [see hammerspace] ), and in general- try to aim for realism as much as you can and with your own style, and your story will be a great read for everyone on MMOT.
I hope I was helpful somewhat.
EDIT: Also, I would strongly advise creating a title for this story, and individual chapter titles. That way people know what they are looking for when your blog appears on the front page.
Umm you tell him/her, vicelin. lol
Vicelin wins at constructive criticizm. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
-=The Nazgul=-
I was just trying to critique helpfully. I think if Silver would drop on by, she could probably help a lot more . . . she has much more personal experience than me
But the issues with this story are not exactly rocket science. I just tried to help by elaborating a tad.
GAWD SILVER, HELP!
Nawp, you’ve covered it all, Vicey.
About the MP/HP/EXP; it’s not /wrong/ per se, but it’s a preference for realism that makes it sound out of place. I mean, sure, you could write an entire story with MP/HP/EXP, but then, you’ll just be narrating a gaming experience i.e. a MMO blog, right?
Besides, it sounds more painful if you go, ‘Tranq hissed at the stinging pain at her scraped knees’, rather than, ‘Tranq cursed to see her HP drop by twelve.’ XD
About the MP/HP/EXP; it’s not /wrong/ per se, but it’s a preference for realism that makes it sound out of place. I mean, sure, you could write an entire story with MP/HP/EXP, but then, you’ll just be narrating a gaming experience i.e. a MMO blog, right?
Besides, it sound more painful if you go, ‘Tranq hissed at the stinging pain at her scraped knees’, rather than, ‘Tranq cursed to see her HP drop by twelve.’ XD”
It seems as if your character can actually see their HP bars at the bottom of the screen