“Yo punk”,”what” I answered hastily. “Give me some money is what!” “What if I say no”? The bully quickly answered with a angry face “you get yer ass kicked by me then stuff ya into a garbage can somewhere. After that your money’s gonna be mine anyways. I suggest you hand ’em to me now!” I reach slowly into my pockets and drew out a coin. Outta nowhere I get knocked down, face first. I got up with pain written across my forehead. I was ticked.Oh so very ticked. As I started to get up, I realize 7 more people joined in. Thinking to myself ‘OH CRAP’, I had to think of something and quick. They charge at me, all 8 at once. I stared at astonishment. The next thing I knew I was on the floor bleeding.
*Hours later* I finally awoke, but awoke to see myself inside a sort of store. Out of no where a voice said “Ahhh finally, you’re awake.” I sat up on their bed in shock to be saved. I thought I was a goner for sure. I slowly replied “t-t-thank you.” He stared at me with a kind of grin. “no problem, that bully always picking on people!” I stared at him. “B-b-bully”? I finally manage to blurt out. “Yep, bully. He is in this gang called the ‘Midnight Club’.
I awoke with a smell of bacon. I got up and finally noticing for the first time, I was covered in bandages.
He noticed I awoke and came strolling to the couch. “Morning” “Good morning” I replied. Then suddenly he blurted out “by the way, I don’t think I happen to know your name. Would you care to tell me?” “Sure.” He greeted me. Then said his name “hi ‘name’s Rob” “Oh, hey Rob. My name is Jack” “Nice meeting ‘ya Jack”
During our breakfast I asked Rob where I could get my job as a Thief at. He told me to go to the Fusion Bar. “Fusion Bar?” I asked. “Yep, Fusion Bar” he replied with a mouthful of egg. But he still managed to blurt that out and blurted out “why ‘ya wanna know?” I looked up from my plate to him. “I wanna get stronger and teach those bullies a lesson!” “that’s it?” He quickly asked me, his face now serious. “I stared at him. Then finally I said “I kinda guess that’s it” He hastily replied “You ain’t got what it takes yet lil’ man.”
Hm…..That’s about the first chapter. Tips and suggestions would be greatly appreciated for the second chapter too. >_<
😀 i lyke itz
Lol, it’s good. Just, don’t use “blurted” so much. And, wouldn’t he be surprised to wake up in the stranger’s house? Also, perhaps the characters and setting need to be a bit more defined. I’m presuming he’s at, school? Cause of the bully? But why does everyone attack him? Who is the guy that helps him?
Note: This is not meant to be criticism, just help.
*Reads first 3 lines*
Great, another one of these again,
Proof read please, get someone to look over it, and get someone to tell you that it’s actually good. Try using your Englihs teacher.
*Sigh* I dont wanna put up with this anymore,
First time I agree with Sir Solo.
Get a paid teacher to do this for you. :O
OR you could use Microsoft Words . TO TEH FRONT PAGE .
I liked.
But you indeed need to do something about your grammar
But you indeed need to do something about your grammar”
And structure, and text, and content, and title.
Please
Now that I read it fully, Here’s my tip for the next chapter: Don’t write it.