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How should I feel now that they tell me yet deny that one of the best friends that I’ve ever had has died? How should I feel when I don’t believe it for a second, yet, people will hate me for disbelieving it? Someone on her Yahoo told me her last message to me (I’m sure you guys have this, too):

night_wolf_975: Is this Djien? Or Judy or something like that?
self: I could be
night_wolf_975: Um if it’s not, then I’m going to find her, I can’t give this message to anyone but her.
self: This is Judy.
night_wolf_975: Oh, alright then. That kid, Lee, probably said what happened already.
night_wolf_975: So, I’ll just pass on the message she left.
self: No it was Jonathan
night_wolf_975: Well, then you know the details already regardless. Her message was (this is exactly what she wrote) “Judy, I’m sorry. You were one of the best friends I ever have and you always knew when I was upset and were always there for me. I wanted to clarify why I said goodbye, so I am having Rachel come on and tell everyone. I said good bye because I realy did have cancer, I said it at that time because I had just found out that I was not going to make it as long as they first thought. It doesn’t matter, what I didn’t was wrong, but hey, I’m not here anymore, not a big deal. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you about it but I apparently picked a horrible day to do so, you snapped at me before I was able to, so I let it be. I couldn’t find a way to tell you so I took
night_wolf_975: The stupid and easy way out and gave up. I’m sorry. You were the best friend I ever had and I love you. I’m sorry any of this ever happened and I hope you live the best life possible. I’m sorry I will love you and mis you forever more.”
night_wolf_975: That’s what she wrote.

And yet:
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So I’m sure that by now many of you think I’m a cold-hearted jerk. I’ll be honest and say I don’t know what to think. Maybe I am a horrible person for being skeptical. Maybe I’m just too aware of how we used to be, making people feel bad and other things I’m sorry for. I’m sorry for a very many things. One of those things being my skepticism about this situation when it could possibly be true or untrue. Another thing I’m sorry about is obviously in that “last message”. Maybe I did snap at her. I remember telling her that I couldn’t feel sorry for people who killed themselves. Which is not completely true… but being the result of over a decade of depression and extreme anxiety, I still can’t look back and pity even myself.
If she is passed away:
I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t know her like I should have and I never should have lost my patience after letting myself into other people’s business. I wanted to know her and when I did, I gave up and let go because I couldn’t handle the drama and the guessing game. I miss her. But I’m still sore at the way she left. Even now, when she felt like she couldn’t tell me when she had the chance. When I wasn’t upset and asked her about cancer and she said she only had skin cancer.
If she isn’t passed away:
I wouldn’t have expected it any differently. I don’t doubt the reasons of why people love her enough to make me feel bad about doubting her status. I loved her enough to hate myself now. But I wouldn’t expect it any differently.

For anyone who thinks this is not mmo related: Oh, but it is. You’d just have to know the people involved.

I’m done.
Even I hate myself for being skeptical, for being such a frigid b-ch.
It’s what you wanted, right? I’ll admit it now.

In other news, Warr1oran1me hit level 100. We love him. He’s smelly and green.
Screenies to be posted in a separate blog.

Edit: And yeah, I loved her, too. She was my BEST friend.