I feel bad about blogging about Cabal under Maple Story but hey, it’s not my fault…

I spend most of the day (yesterday) playing Cabal.

Since my hours are out of whack (what will I do when school starts up again?) I’m usually asleep during the day. Yesterday morning, my friend, who was installing WinXP SP3 on one of his computers, kept telling me that he was going to play Cabal when he was done. I was like, “Okay… *logs into Cabal*”

An hour later:
Him: I’ll be on Cabal in like 15 minutes. My computer is at 85% usability.
Me: *clicks away from Cabal* o.o Ok

A half an hour later:
Him: Man, this is going slower than expected. I’ll be on in like a half an hour.
Me: *clicks away from Cabal* >.> Ok…

A few minutes later:
Him: My computer is at 90% usability. This is going to rock.

Two hours later:
Him: So what are you up to? O_O
Me: *DC from Cabal* Nm
Him: Alright I’m gonna be on soon
Me: 😐

After that I got tired of waiting and then I signed off of AIM to play Maple.

Maple wasn’t anything special. It was like 5 in the morning and since all of the kiddies were either at school or on their way (^_^) I pretty much had Ch12 Aqua Road all to myself. XD I completed a couple of quests, shifted some crap around in storage, and then deleted my level 15 warrior mule to create a priest. Sadly, I never got to create it because I DC’d. D: After that, I still didn’t find my screenies. (Not even in the Maple Story folder as SilverFx suggested ;-; ) I’m starting to think that it’s because of this Vista Transformation Pack (program that makes my GUI look just like Vista–sadly it’s starting to make my computer act like Vista too). I would have taken it off a long time ago but I’m trying to one up my friend who says I betrayed Windows by making my GUI look like Vista (he’s a Vista hater lol). He so nicely offered to redo my GUI and make a “combo interface” along with his. D: He sometimes can get over his own head…

Afterward I watched some Lucky Star (while refusing my mother’s demands to “turn that Chinese crap off” D:< ) and then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I checked my phone and I found out my friend called me. His voicemail said: “Me and my cousin are on Cabal RIGHT NOW! And you’re asleep!” I woke up like, “Wth…?” It was like an hour ago so I signed onto AIM and logged into Cabal and he was no where to be found… D: I alternated between hunting and chatting for awhile and then he signs on. He logs into Cabal and he’s like, “coolwhatBBQ LAGGGGG” I spend awhile telling him about the basics of Cabal and I lecture him about doing quests (for some reason he hates questing…) and then I go off to finish some quests on my own. After awhile, the server starts to lag horribly and we CC. After that, he gets really silent. After about an hour I check to see if he’s still logged on and he is but he’s still level 3. Eh..? I’m like wth? and I go to see what he’s doing.

He’s standing there…doing nothing. I walk up to him and he’s like, “Tired. -_-” I tell him to go to sleep and then I go to hunt. I pass by him a couple of times and he’s still in the same place. I complete the quest and I’m like, “lol I bet he DC’d” But no, he’s still there. I ask him, “Did you fall asleep?” And I receive no answer… o_O

Besides checking on him, I managed to make some progress gain another 2 or 3 levels. I’m currently at level 22. I did my first PK. ^_^ When I was about to CC, some random guy who just happened to be in the same area challenged me. Seeing that he was wearing the same equips as I, I accept. I killed him in 3 hits LOL. I had been hesitant to PvP people today. I received a few challenges from people who had higher level equipment than me. Why would I willingly walk into a battle I’ve already lost? ^_^ I think when I get a little higher I’ll PvP more. Right now, I’ll focus on questing and leveling.

I found out that a lot of people in Cabal hate Maple Story. Somebody shouted, “WTB (some item) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@” and I said, “lol this isn’t Maple Story”. Somebody else responded, “MS sucks anyway”. Another person spammed that they loved Maple. The first time I mentioned Maple somebody said to me, “Maple sux fegget”. I was like, “lol that’s nice…” So, if you’re going to play Cabal, be sure not to mention Maple because it’s taboo there… lol

My Vista-y browser :=)–I have two start buttons. O_O Glitch!
My desktop. Konata FTW!–Ignore the weird icons…eheheheh ^_^

IRL stuff

Today I was reading Naruto scanlations (I’m not a Narutard! I think Sasuke is hot though! lol) and I decided to have a look through the forums. As I’m reading through them and clicking around I click on the name that’s vaguely familiar to me. I can’t figure out why this person’s name is familiar to me so I google them (does that make me a stalker?) and I find their xanga. *click click read read -haha funny blog…why do I feel like i know this person?- click click read click* “O hay pics. O.O O crap I do know this person.” It turns out that that person was the friend of the friend I fell out with last year. o.O What a freaking coincidence. So I keep reading and I come across a blog about me (I wasn’t mentioned by name but I knew it was about me) and about something I did last year to my friend. It turns out that she called her and told her what I did (to warn her?) and she had some opinions about it. -_- Now that I’m reading about it from an outsider’s view, I fell really bad about what I did. Well I felt bad before but now that I’m reading about it, I feel really stupid for doing it. At the time I was being really selfish and I thought it would be pretty funny. I ended up I don’t know what was wrong with me. If I could apologize and let her know that I feel bad for what I done then I’d feel better. I just hate having that feeling that she hates me.

I messed up a good friendship because of my “issues.”

Actually, I messed up a lot of relationships I’ve had over my personal issues. After the whole thing with her last year, I just stopped trying. I guess that really changed me. I don’t think anybody noticed. Maybe except my mom. She has no idea what happened between us but she knows something went wrong. She keeps asking but I refuse to tell her. I don’t want to admit to her that I lost another friend.

Before that I used to go outside everyday and I used to hang out, go to the bookstore, arcade, and anywhere else. Now I don’t go anywhere. I don’t talk to anybody. I never answer my phone and I hardly keep in touch with people. Some people described me as “emo” when I was in HS. I wonder what they’d call me now. I don’t know I just don’t want to go through the pain of getting close to people only to have them leave later. Why bother? At the moment, half of my family is angry at me because I won’t call them or visit their houses. I talk to only two people regularly online. And maybe one or two others occasionally.

I feel like I’m living on the outside of life watching “normal” people with their “normal” lives. I was reading that girl’s blog and thinking, “Wow, this is how normal people live like. I wish I could have a life like this.” To have friends, family, school, a job, a life is something I want but I just don’t think I’m somebody that can have things like this. When I had friends it was either because it was through someone else or because they felt “bad” for me for not having any friends. I was never popular or even well-liked. I was never on good terms with my family. They never liked me and now they’re angry at me because I won’t try to get them to like me anymore. I figure since they’ve always liked my sister, they can just have her and pretend that I don’t exist. I was always bad at school. Never had a job… It’s like having “luxuries” like that just aren’t allowed to me.

Some people keep telling me to go see a doctor. I obviously have issues and I need help, according to them. But are they going to pay for it? I don’t have good insurance and we have to pay for the therapist and the cocktail of medicines. I’ve done this before and my mother constantly reminded me how my issues was messing up her budget and how poor I was making her. That’s one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t go back. I was so tired of feeling the guilt because I was getting treated for something I had no control over. My mother was convinced that I was just “being lazy”. Right. Wanting to die is laziness. I didn’t even know how to explain this to that social worker. He wanted to help me because you know, I don’t think there’s hopes for someone like me. In this world, there are winners and losers. Those who swim or sink. And I really think that I’m that loser who is sinking to the depths below. Someone told me that I’m like this because I think I’m like this (my own worse enemy) and I do think it’s true to some extent but when I did see myself as someone who was capable everyone else was laughing at me because I was foolish enough to think that I was somebody special and important. So, who am I to kid myself?

I’m part of the lower ranked in the world. I’ve always have been and I always will. This is my place so why should I try to fight it?

Ehh. Sorry about the angsty blog. I haven’t been able to vent like this for a long time and I don’t really have anywhere else to put this. Perhaps I should start a new xanga. o_o Anyway, sorry again ppls.