This is my first story and I think people might get confused with whos talking to who and stuff. Cmon give me some slack this is my first story.
”Don’t forget your lunch I packed you, theres a apple and orange juice in there and try to be careful”.”Yah yah mom I know jeez don’t worry about me so much”. ” Im just trying to help Tenshi after all you’ve been through a reckless life and your father dies its just that”…”Your the only thing that keeps me alive and I don’t want you to die NEVER”!”Ok mom well see yah later”.”Wait theres something I want to give you also here”.”Its in the chest right behind me go and open it”.”Oh my god mom why don’t you open it for me your right in front of it”.” You need to excerise more besides Im already so old and lazy”.”Fine I’ll open it jeez”. Tenshi walks straight to the chest not knowing what’s inside and he opens the chest and his eyes burn in amazement. ” Mom what the heck am I going to do with a rusty old blade it even look’s like I can use a jackhammer and break it”. ”Its a family emblem Tenshi and it’s been past down for generations of the Gaia family”. ”I want you to have it will give you good luck”.” Fine I’ll have it, but that doesn’t mean I will like it”, shouted Tenshi. Tenshi leaves his house with solomn good byes that he left for his mother and he run’s straight forward into the town South Perry getting ready to go on the boat which will take him to a place of unspeakable desires and wonders.”Hello there may I have your ticket”. ”Uhh sure here it is”.”Thank you sir have a safe trip”.”Oops when I ment by safe I ment nice hehehe”.”*What the hell was his problem*”.
Too be continued
No one commenting =[
Great job, but Im totally honest (I’ve always been oO)
First of all, Have some paragraphing. it makes it easier for the readers.
When someone is talking, make a new line,
Also, Please explain who is talking what line. It’s very confusing.
The plot is ordinary and you need more descriptive words. Make the story longer.
After each “flame” I DO give compliments.
I like how you left suspense and the names are very original(special, unique)
Great job. ^^