¤ Let’s All Hurt Jaysen Day

Come on, man, get a grip! Even a big fat hammer to your big fat head will do! ‘Ah. Hello, Alessa.’ Jaysen finally managed to arrange his stunned face muscles into a smile. ‘How has my lovely fox been?’

‘Aww, still as charmin’ as ever, Jaysen.’ Alessa purred and tweaked him on the nose. ‘Frankly, Jaysen cutie, ever since we parted, no one, and I repeat, no one has been able to capture my love like ya have, darlin’.’ She drawled at ‘love’, playing out the word in her low, husky voice as she stroked the side of Jaysen’s face.

‘Jaysen cutie?’ Silver made a strangled sound; Jaysen couldn’t decided if it was in amusement or otherwise.

‘It’s not what you think!’ He turned and whispered hurriedly to Silver.

‘Whatever. Your love life is none of my business.’ Silver deadpanned under her breath as convincingly as she could. But her eyes kept flicking to look at Alessa, an inscrutable expression in them.

‘Yo, old mate!’ Suddenly, someone whacked Jaysen soundly on his back. Winded for the fourth time in fifteen minutes, Jaysen spun back to face Alessa again, wheezing. ‘What in Ossyria was that for?!’

‘Whassup, Jaysen!’ A tall hermit in a red Pirate set said cheerfully, waving his Black Mamba. ‘Don’t mind her. That’s what she says to every one of her old flames that she meets, ain’t it, Alessa love?’ He grinned down at Alessa as he wound his left arm around her slender waist.

‘I always forget to mention about the exception of you, dear.’ Alessa turned in his embrace and tiptoed to kiss him passionately on the mouth.

‘Sorry, old buddy, but she’s taken,’ the hermit stated the obvious, after the two finally broke apart.

‘Yes, I am, Wayne dearest.’ Alessa said happily, snuggling up to the newcomer.

‘Wayne?’ Jaysen said in disbelief. He could hardly recognise his old friend! ‘Nice get up there,’ he said admiringly, looking quickly over Wayne’s spanking new armour. ‘But what the Crocos is up with the whole tanned look? Did Alessa, like, coerced you to get plastic surgery in Orbis?’

‘Watch your mouth in front of my girl, dude.’ Wayne punched Jaysen in the shoulder, forgetting his strength, and that he was using the hand armed with his Mamba. ‘Ah, my bad. Sorry, old buddy.’

What is the occasion today, Let Us All Hurt Jaysen Day? Jaysen winced as he rubbed his twice-bruised shoulder. ‘Dude, I don’t need a demonstration of your superior might, you know.’

‘Aw cum’on, Jaysen. You ain’t doing that bad either.’ Wayne indicated Jaysen’s Dark Scorpio armour and the golden Serpent’s Coil hanging at his side. He eyed Jaysen’s messy brown hair critically. ‘Though you could do with a comb.’

‘My hair eats combs. You ought to know that, Wayne, my man.’ Jaysen gave Wayne a black look, and tugged the Silver Identity lower around his ears.

‘Wayne likes me combing his hair, don’t you, Wayne dear?’ Alessa cooed as she tangled her fingers in his golden curls.

Another polite cough from Silver, then Jaysen felt her tap him on his shoulder. ‘I’m going into the cabin, before… lovey-dovey there gives me anymore goose-pimples.’ She whispered dryly into his ear.

‘But you can’t desert me like this, cruel lady!’ Jaysen hissed back. Silver shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Wouldn’t dream of spoiling your touching reunion. Have fun.’ With that, she walked off in the direction of the cabin’s door.

‘Oh, who’s that huntress?’ Alessa asked, hazel eyes wide in curiousity.

‘Is she your girl, old mate?’ Wayne gazed after Silver as she disappeared below deck. ‘Quite a catch, I’d say.’ At the appreciative tone in Wayne’s voice, Alessa smacked him on the head. ‘Ow! Hey, I was only offering a good friend my expert opinion, Alessa dear.’

Jaysen retorted, ‘You’re lucky Silver, aka “my girl”, didn’t catch wind of that, else you’d have gotten it worse from her.’

‘No one touches my Wayne other than me.’ Alessa said immediately, a possessive hand on Wayne’s arm. ‘Though he’ll probably deserve it,’ she added as an after-thought, looking deviously upwards at Wayne.

‘What’s that weird thing you always say, dude? The one that makes the girls freak out and look at you funny?’ Wayne beckoned at Jaysen.

‘Erm. Fie on you, you wretched damsel?’ Jaysen offered.

‘Exactly.’ Wayne snapped his fingers. ‘What he said,’ he told Alessa, ruffling her hair as she pouted a little.

‘But seriously,’ Wayne continued, ‘Jaysen, old buddy, don’t tell me you haven’t found another girl yet. That Silver girl ain’t bad.’

Inexplicably, Jaysen felt his ears under his Silver Identity turn hot, even as he replied in an even voice. ‘No luck there, Wayne, my man. She’ll put an arrow through me first. Besides, since when have you become, like, Mr. Matchmaker?’

‘Since I have been taught the true meaning of love by Alessa dear here.’ Wayne said in an uncharacteristically mushy voice, much to Alessa’s delight, which she expressed most joyfully.

Watching the two kiss yet again, Jaysen envied Silver, safe in the mushy-less haven of the cabin. It is definitely Hurt Jaysen in All Possible Ways Day. He thought wryly.

At least I discovered that the Dark Lord left out the technique to survive prolonged periods without oxygen when he wrote the Bandit’s copy of the Thief’s Skillbook. Jaysen made a note to lodge a complaint once he got back to Kerning as he looked away from the two assassins. You’d never know when it’ll come in useful…

When the two finally came up for air, Wayne said, ‘Say, Alessa darling, will you leave us men for a while? I need to have a heart-to-heart talk with Jaysen here.’

‘Alright, Wayney pie.’ Alessa said happily, untangling herself from Wayne, and sashayed off with one last flirtatious wink to Jaysen.

¤ Absurd Pastry Names

‘That girl.’ Gazing fondly after the redhead, Wayne laughed. ‘And when I so much as look at another girl, she starts pouting.’ He turned to Jaysen, to find him in a silent fit of laughter. ‘W-wayne pie?’ Jaysen choked out in between chuckles

Wayne only smiled calmly, tracing the metal trimmings of his Black Mamba claw as he leant against the cabin wall.

‘Now, this is too weird. You are supposed to beat me up by now,’ Jaysen stopped laughing abruptly, and turned to him with serious blue eyes. ‘Confess, foul creature. Where have you hidden Wayne “I am Tough as Leather”?’ Jaysen managed, before cracking up again.

‘Come on, man. Be serious.’ Wayne feinted a punch at Jaysen. ‘You were always scaring the girls away with your weirdo act, no wonder you haven’t found anyone yet.’ He tapped a finger at his temple meaningfully. ‘You really haven’t changed since the time we met up when the Dark Lord put us together in that ring.’

‘If anything, I blame you for hitting me on the head too hard that day.’ Jaysen retorted. ‘Luckily the Dark Lord thought I was quick enough on my feet even when I’m beaten silly. Else you would have single-handedly destroyed my dream of being a Bandit, thou wretched Snail.’ He drew his golden Serpent and waved the curved blade threateningly at Wayne.

Wayne snorted, defecting the blade away with his Mamba. ‘Knowing you, old pal, you’d have found a way to make the Dark Lord accept you as a Rogue anyway.’

‘True.’ Jaysen pondered, turning the dagger over and over in his hands now. ‘I’d have talked him silly about how hanging upside down too much is bad for those dastardly brains, and then, at his most befuddlement-est, convince him that I can reverse gravity for his comfort and future intellectual development if he’ll recruit me into his elite ranks…’

‘There you go again.’ Wayne sighed. ‘What the heck is befuddle-whatsits? Chill those brain cells, man, spare your best buddy. I really can’t keep up with you sometimes.’

‘You’re just out of practice.’ Jaysen resisted the urge to stick out his tongue. ‘It’s been what, three months since we last met in Kerning?’

‘Yeah. Alessa dumped you, right in the middle of the Jazz Bar. Good show, that was.’ Wayne gave Jaysen a lop-sided grin. ‘Alessa told me all about it, so ‘fess up, old pal.’

‘Ah, there goes my image of the suave lover boy.’ Jaysen said in a mock mournful voice.

Wayned rolled his eyes. ‘You two had me fooled for two whole weeks, alright! And right after I told you I liked the girl. You two darn near drove me mad with jealousy.’

‘I promised her I’d give her a good performance, for your benefit.’ Jaysen shrugged. ‘Hey, if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have like, discovered the “true meaning of love”, would you? For a tough guy, we all know you are about as bold as a Mushroom in love confessions, and I thought a nice little shove in the right direction would be good for you.’ He pushed Wayne on the shoulder for emphasis.

‘You thought that even when you got totally humiliated in front of the entire Jazz bar?’ Wayne shook his head.

‘Not to mention after a nice shower of tequila sunset. Took me two hours to get it out of my hair and clothes, it did.’ Jaysen made a face. ‘But anything for you, old buddy. Thank heavens you didn’t miss the chance to “comfort” her, else I’d have dunked you in a whole pool of Slime gloop to make you pay for it.’

‘No way, dude. It should have been quits back then. I did save your butt when you suddenly decided that life would be more interesting if you could check out what’s under the Wraiths’ tablecloths.’

‘I thought that was you trying to make it up for the time you had the bright idea that Zombie Lupins’ bananas were actually for human consumption! Even Dr Faymus’ All Purpose Cleaner couldn’t remove the banana-flavoured vomit from my old Marine Shadow armour.’

‘You think that was bad? What about the time when I had to haul your arse home after you tried to exorcise that Jr. Boogie in the Ant Tunnels with Charms of Undead, huh? Got me Cursed and Locked too, trying to escape with you babbling like a madman.’

‘Fine, so I admit that that was a bad idea.’ Jaysen grinned sheepishly. ‘Face it, old buddy. We’ve been bad for each other’s health ever since we got together all those years ago.’

‘Yeah. Time flies, don’t it?’ Both of them stared up at the open sky all about them for a while, nostalgia making them feel melancholic somehow.

‘But I bet Alessa kept you too busy to notice, eh?’ Jaysen nudged Wayne, breaking the seriousness of the atmosphere.

‘Someone needs to put your dirty mind in El Nath for a good freeze and washing with snow.’ Wayne said offhandedly. ‘You’re just jealous, dude.’

‘No way, Wayney pie. I’ll leave getting called absurd pastry names to you.’

‘Wait till you get your own pet name from your lady love over there. As I said, she’s quite a good catch.’ Wayne raised a knowing eyebrow as he gestured towards the cabin door. He watched the colour rise in Jaysen’s face, and roared with laughter. ‘You like her, don’t you, you sneaky fellow!’

‘She probably already has a name for me.’ Jaysen waved his hand in a façade of indifference, trying hard to ignore both Wayne’s laughter and that little voice inside him that was agreeing most happily with Wayne. ‘Ten thousand mesos that it is something along the lines of “Irritating son of a Boar!” ’

¤ Just for a Good Transition and a Cameo

‘Irritating son of a Boar!’ Silver cursed, rubbing her forehead furiously where she had bruised herself the second time in five minutes by walking into yet another low hanging beam in the dark cabin. There was barely enough light to see inside the cabin, the dazzling sunlight from outside only illuminating a small, squarish area around the cabin’s entrance. She muttered out loud. ‘Why don’t they invest in more lights in here?’

‘Oil lamps and wood? Bad idea.’ A female wizard said calmly, smoothing down her red Moonlight as she sat perched neatly on a wooden crate next to a lone lamp swinging on the cabin’s wall. ‘One that you obviously haven’t thought through enough.’ She continued, her tone slightly caustic.

Confused at the unexpected hostility, Silver stopped and straightened up in surprise. An unwise move, since it made her head come into violent contact with the low cabin ceiling. She gave up trying to make a way deeper into the cabin, and plunked herself down next to the wizard on a nearby crate in disgust.

‘I don’t remember asking for your particular opinion.’ Silver muttered, still nursing her newest injury.

‘You did address the general audience with your question.’ The wizard said, maintaining the patronising tone in her voice. ‘I was merely informing you about facts you seem to have overlooked.’ She examined her nails coolly. ‘Perhaps you have had too many knocks on the head.’

Well, I’d be-, Silver gritted her teeth, but kept her voice polite. ‘Thank you for your kindness, then. How may I address my benefactor?’

The wizard looked up quickly at Silver’s dry retort, but her expression, if anything, was mildly amused. ’Some call me Allamar, if I let them.’

‘I’m Silver.’ She held out a hand. Allamar only looked down askance at it, her hands still folded neatly in her lap as she regarded Silver’s hand with the air of observing a Pig in Aquarium Zoo. Alright… Silver withdrew her hand. ‘Nice meeting you, Allamar.’

‘Did I say that I let you call me that?’ Allamar said, looking away uninterestedly, her calm tone seemingly more infuriating to Silver with every passing moment.

‘My apologies.’ Silver said, trying to keep her composure. Not.

‘Here.’ Suddenly, Allamar handed Silver a bottle of red potion.

‘What for?’ Surprised, Silver could only take it numbly from the wizard.

‘Consider it recompense for the entertainment you provided. The ride was getting boring.’ With that, the wizard stood up, and headed in the direction of the cabin door, disappearing into the brightness outside.

What in Ossyria?! Thoroughly annoyed now, Silver set down the bottle with a loud thump on the crate next to her. ‘Some ship ride this is turning out to be.’ She grumbled under her breath. And there’s absolutely nothing to do with a certain Alessa outside this cabin, isn’t there? A little voice in her mind murmured.

No! Silver thought crossly.

Liar. The voice seemed to giggle, but shut up immediately when Silver threatened it with a mental image of a Mage casting Seal.

Feeling irrationally irritated now, Silver tore open her backpack savagely and snatched out her journal and pen, flipping the book open nosily. She started to scribble on the pages, disregarding the dim light. If I’m about to let my imagination run wild, I might as well expend that energy more usefully, darn it.

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Heh. That was fun. Let’s All Hurt Jaysen Day is addictive. XD

But as I said, this chapter is pretty pointless and plotless. I’m really sorry I couldn’t work in some dark tragic past for Jaysen. He just… doesn’t do angst.

Jaysen: I’ll probably take Angst and feed it to the Crocos. Angsty Crocos. They’ll cry crocodile tears, wouldn’t they?

There you go.

And I hoped I kept our favourite holier-than-thou mage in character, Dezzles. XD

O-re-oo cookies! XD [I’m obviously in a ‘XD’ mood, today.]