Maplestory Love Story Part 1~~~

11 Comments

Part 1~~~

San stared around her. She was deep in the dungeon, what some people called the “Ant Tunnels”. It was cold and dank, musty. The air reeked. She wandered down the narrow tunnel, and suddenly without any warning, the cave trembled and shook. The walls began to collapse. The tunnel came down over her head.
When she came back to her senses, she found herself relatively untouched, although she found to her dismay that the path from which she had come had collapsed entirely. A new hole in the ground had been made, thankfully. She crawled through it and found herself at the entrance of a large cave. There was no source of light, but the tunnel glowed a strange and eerie light bluish color. She had no idea where she was. Almost as if to add to her growing fear, she heard a low sound that sounded somewhat like a mix between a squeal and a growl. She turned to see a horde of cargoes approaching. She suddenly found herself paralyzed with fear. She instantly found herself in the position of a deer in the head lights. The cargo nearest to her growled again and jumped for the kill.
San screamed………

11 thoughts on “Maplestory Love Story Part 1~~~”

  1. Its terrible. Quit while you have a chance. Delete post before someone reads it and you get flamed.

  2. 1. I would encourage you to change the title to sumthing more unique! don’t make the word “love” in it. If you need any help, mail me and we can sort it out together.
    2. Very well done, the cliffhanger was great ^^ BUT, you need to use paragraphs, when a certain time periodd past, start a new paragraph. It would be easier for the readers to slowly absorb the contents in your story.

    ~Looking Forward to your Next Chapter ~

    – VanillaPocki –

  4. this story is,
    1. weirdly short
    2. lacking details
    3.skips around (like the main char faints so fast, and everything happens so fast, )
    4.ALMOST ALL THE STORY’S THESE DAYS ARE “Love story” or something like that, the title is too , dull! i almost didnt read this

    sry if i hurt your feelings =(

  5. At least you wrote in complete sentences. Kudos for that. Not bad description used too.
    You could have established more facts, like why on earth was she there? What’s her job? And paragraphing would be good.
    *runs out of suggestions* But there is plenty of room for improvement.

  6. Oh my [bleep] god
    CAN ANYONE WRITE A GOOD STORY THAT DOESN’T HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH LOVE OR MUSHY CRAP?
    -Deep breath-
    -Sigh. . .-
    Seriously, where’s the action? -_-“

  8. EVERYONE knows I tell the truth. No offence and i will tell the truth, but I will back it up, okay? no hard feelings.

    I hate it.
    No paragraphs
    The events happen wayyyy to fast, and the title isn’t that unique.
    It’s abit too short, which therefore comes down to my conclusion.
    Where are the speech marks.
    This is like a paragraph than a story!

    Why is this on the front page?

    Ofcourse, befo you all flame me, I love the suspense and tension you gave the audience, but alot of work is needed before you reach my praises ><
    Also, pelase describe the cargo? Don’t just call it a cargo.
    “A mysterious, dark purple creature lingers towards me and suddenly bares it’s disgusting teeth in front of my face. I instantly felt shocked and full of fear.I froze with big scared eyes. Not daring to move near that purple monster as that monster leaves my spine tingling.’

    Those sentences expand the story and i didn’t even have to think. It just came naturally, And when you edit a sentence like that, you make the story better.
    Alright, nice though~
    Good luck!

  9. I like it, just kinda make the story a lil more slower, but i like the way you think 😀 be happy its not a love story really, charge the title

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