As Flora woke up, she felt weird. She was dizzy, somehow she was still in her home. She found a gold pebble next to her. As she touched it it started shining like the sun. In a few seconds she found herself in the city of Henesys.
She went inside the Henesys Inn which was nearby. ” How may I help you?,” asked the InnKeeper. ” I wanna stay for the night,” replied Flora. She went into her room, and started making some tea, someone knocked on her door.” Good Evening,” said the mystery thief. ” Hello, my name is Flora, please come in,” said Flora. ” My name is Okiyo, I come from Ludibruim,” said Okiyo. They sat down and started drinking some Herbal Tea.They talked for hours about many things.
When Okiyo left Flora’s room, Flora went to sleep. On the next morning Flora ate her breakfeast and left 50 mesos on the table, upon leaving the inn, she instantly set her sights to Ellinia, in order to become a Magician.
Upon reaching Grendel’s house she said ” I wish to become a Magician,” ” You are already one,” replied Grendel…
In 10 seconds a mystic aura surrounded Flora, making her a fully fledge Magician. After she bought her equipment she went to a Rainforest close to Ellinia to start training, her training was going very well. She got very strong quickly. However a DragonKnight got in her way and said ” Out of the way weakling,” shortly he took out a walkie-talkie, ” Everything is going smoothly, if she becomes an Ice Wizard, our plan will succeed,” he whispered to the walkie-talkie.
Shortly she met an old friend of hers, Daiki, was his name, whom had become a rogue. As they trained both of them found a gold pebble, it started shining once again, in a few seconds, they found themselves in the Sahara Desert of Africa…
Shortly they found a stone tablet, encripting a prophecy.
” The world is dying, it shall dissapear, when it does, a new world will be created. Guarded by the almighty Zakum that world will become infinite, rich with power, however Zakum get out of control after 5 years, destroying everything the new world had, obligating everyone to start a new life, and that is when everything will begin,” explained the prophecy.
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I know this chapter is short, I just wanted it to be short and brief. I hope you guys enjoyed it. XD
More descriptive pl0xx0r5.
Aaagh~, I forgot the character descriptions x.X, oh well, I’ll post em on the next chapter xDD
every time a new person begins to talk you’re supposed to start a new paragraph. like this,
Upon reaching Grendel’s house she said ” I wish to become a Magician.”
” You are already one,” replied Grendel,
do this and the story will be much easier to read
Everything goes pretty fast.
It’s like:
He ran. And then he fought a monster. He won.
Upon reaching Grendel’s house she said ” I wish to become a Magician.”
” You are already one,” replied Grendel,
do this and the story will be much easier to read”
Ah, thanks for the tip.
I agree with Quang, try to be more descriptive
And, like I said before, try using less commas and more periods.
“As they trained both of them found a gold pebble, it started shining once again, in a few seconds, they found themselves in the Sahara Desert of Africa…”
“As they trained, both of them found a gold pebble. It started shining once again. In a few seconds, they found themselves in the Sahara Desert of Africa…”
See the difference?
And, like I said before, try using less commas and more periods.
“As they trained both of them found a gold pebble, it started shining once again, in a few seconds, they found themselves in the Sahara Desert of Africa…”
“As they trained, both of them found a gold pebble. It started shining once again. In a few seconds, they found themselves in the Sahara Desert of Africa…”
See the difference?”
Thanks again Saph, now I see the difference xD
This is MUCH better from your first story.
Keep trying.