Note: This is an entry from my diary, which I found fine to post on MMO. Sherry Cho’s not my real name, I made that up.

I am a deceitful person. I am cold, lying, and selfish. And yet..
I am also kind. I am warm, helpful, and honest. Who am I?

Even if I banished my “imaginary friends”, and claimed myself Kai Luna, I am still at loss. Am I Sherry Cho, the timid, soft-spoken, kind little girl? Am I Kai Luna, the brave, daring, and out-going woman?

I refered to them in third person. Am I neither? Am I both? Or..

Am I Kiyone Mirain Minamira, the reckless, stubborn, and spiteful rogue? Or am I Kiki Julie Yi, the intelligent bookworm? Or am I Chi Kiy, the hyper happy sugary little girl? Drama Yi, the motherly, mysterious lady?

I am multi-personae, and I hate it.

Right after I married to Jay, I was confused again. I wanted to be like his dream girl, but Im afraid it will diminish the lady he married. Netherless, I now notice that I am different than before.

Am I maturing? Am I changing into something horrible?

Today, Jay stated that he’d quit Maple after Orbis Pq comes out. It was then a minute until my brother’s turn online. I wanted to say good bye, but I couldnt. I have been saying “Later” lately.

To me, saying Good Bye is.. good bye forever. The thought of saying good bye to anybody to me is like for good. And when Jay said he’d quit.. that was a really a Good Bye. Of course, he can still contact me, but.. It wont be the same.

What if he or I finds someone else? That is the thought that also worries me.

Should I hug him and tell him it’s all right? Should I just hide in the shadows, wishing and letting fate take it’s role again?

So logged off without saying a Good Bye or a Later. Who knows if it would be my last to Jay.

A long time ago, I didnt like Internet Relationships. I thought they were bogus, and never worked out. But then I met Jay. Of course, I already had a love, Haku. But Haku wasnt really my love. I never actually agreed to it when I found out he was taking the joke seriously.

He proposed a Crush Ring for him and me. I was.. suprised, confused, burdened, excited, and blushing at the same time.

At that time, I wanted to yell at him, and hurt him so much. This was against all I had stood against. But.. at the same time I wanted to hug and kiss him to smithereens. What was I feeling? To my suprise as well, I said I’d think about it.

This stabbed at my world, forcing me to wonder what’s real and what’s not. As the days drew on, I realized that this was real. Even in the Internet, feelings can come across with a real touch. Like personalized letters in envelopes.

Then, I realized, if this real person had real feelings for me, then.. Someone loves me. For me.

I once thought I was emo. Then, I realized, thanks to my 8th grade English teacher, that life should be lived fullout, with each day as a clean slate. Being sad about everything wont change anything.

Thanks to her, I had become a great actor, and became interested in creative arts. I can be ugly, I can be beautiful, I can be fat, thin, mean, kind, etc.

It’s the manipulation of words, and physical appearance. Sherry Cho’s an act, but Kai Luna is not.
But then, sometimes I can be all that, and not be acting at all. Which would lead me to be confused.

Im sure I’ll find out who I am in the future. But till then, I wont be a fatalist anymore. Dont go with the flow.

After all, it’s my story.