12 thoughts on “Raven Chronicles Part 1”

1. Aww, but I like the Raven Story series -.-

2. Yea I like it too D=

3. The Ninja says ICYRAVEN ROCKS THE NINJA’S SOCKS!

   ~The Ninja

4. Same same, Its kinda weird, im gonna get confoosed. ^^ Nvm. USE THE SAME CHARS <3 Try incooperate the auditioned characters too. I’ve barely read about them.

   xx xBLiNG ♫

5. That Jason guy has hacks XD

6. ggicelightz said: “That Jason guy has hacks XD”

   XD, that made the milk come out my nose

7. xxzakumxx said: “

   ggicelightz said: “That Jason guy has hacks XD”

   XD, that made the milk come out my nose”

   i was choking on my food xD

8. This story was pretty bad

9. Raven Chronicles Part 1

   The early morning [sunrays] shined brilliantly through the open cracks of my house. I sighed at my horrendous dwelling and wondered how the cheese could it have survived for such a long time. The thick wooden walls had white paint peeling off the surfaces leaving an irritable crunchy noise with every footstep in the house. The windows were gray and hazy due to years of disregarding their conditions. The one-story “shack” was barely hanging off the side of a large green tree stretching just about [two] miles off the outskirts of Ellinia. I was meeting my friends in a couple of hours, plenty of time. {Irrelevant. You do not suggest that s/he is in a hurry} I slid off my pajamas with ease cladding myself with a warm and fluffy blue sauna robe. I dropped my kumbis and tops into the pockets and grabbed my Wagner. I slid on my green bamboo hat along with some purple gloves and black cleats. I tied my Icarus around my head and slid on my jurgen wrist guard. I bolted out the door[,] nearly tearing it off in the process. I didn’t bother locking the door considering [that] if thieves got into my house[, then] they would have known they had made a terrible mistake. I peered down into 500 ft of [free-falling] green. The spikes of my snowshoes made me stick into the trees with ease[. Sometimes I could [even] walk vertically! The towering trees were surrounding me. {Telling, not showing. Show me that the trees were surrounding you by describing the density of trees, or something else of that nature} In the horizon[,] I could see stirges swooping down looking for food while being chased off by lupins tossing their half-eaten bananas {at them}. I jumped down[,] landing on the soft bushy road[,] and started heading of[f] to Ellinia at a constant pace.
   {This entire paragraph is consisted entirely of direct actions. Almost every sentence starts with “I.” This gets extremely repetitive and lame. No one cares whether or not your protagonist knows how to put on cloths or take off cloths. Instead, you have to show us what your protagonist is wearing without saying that she put it on. For example ”Bolting out of the door, my dark blue Icarus cape was nearly torn clean off my head.” Something like that will show the reader exactly what happened. They can see that the protagonist was in such a hurry, s/he nearly hit her head on the door. The great thing is you never really say s/he was in a hurry or say how excited s/he was. All of this is inferred. Inferences are a great thing.

   Even though I was jogging[,] the scenery was blowing past me so fast it all looked green to me. {This makes absolutely no sense. How can something appear a blur if you are not walking fast? Plus, “even thought” puts specific emphasis on the jogging part, making this mistake much more clear. Change it. A quarter {A quarter seems very specific considering the rays of the sun through leaves would be rather arbitrary} of the sun was now piercing through the thick leaves of the tall trees[,] bearing its irascible {A full sun would be angry. A quarter: I think not} heat upon me. I slowed my pace down[,] not wanting to look so flushed upon my arrival. The city limits of Ellinia were now in perfect view high above the ground. I leaped onto one of the towering trees[,] digging my shoes in it. I gripped a fleshy vine and started my vertical walk up the tree and into the magical city of Ellinia.

   The cool breeze hit me quickly as I jumped off the tree landing onto another bushy trail leading throughout Ellinia. I looked at a sundial nearby and it read [one] past the afternoon[.] I was 15 minutes late. {You (unnecessarily) made it clear that you had plenty of time. This furthers the point that it should be removed. You never want to contradict yourself} I quickened my pace as I climbed more trees and attaching myself to more vines. I disregarded the natural beauty of the city and whizzed past the various townsfolk until I arrived within [eyesight] of the shop. I slowed to a walk[,] wiping the sweat off my face. {Wiping the swear off my face should go at the beginning to this sentence.} I walked into the shop and greeted my friends sitting in the corner drinking some tea and juice. {Show how you greeted them, and [I]show them drinking.}

   “What is the up?” Aaron said in a poor accent. Aaron was my dark-skinned fellow thief who[,] at most times[,] is {Tense} an annoying prick. He usually disregarded the specific details of quests and went beyond thinking outside the box, for good or worse. {Worse than what? Should be bad} He wore his usual Dark Shadow suit with a sweaty Dark Avarice. {Show us what he is wearing.}

   “Aaron is stupid?” Mike replied with a grin. {This is stupid and confusing. Choose better dialogue.} Mike was my bowman friend who at most times, was [not] {Laugh out loud. That was unnecessary} an annoying prick. He usually had the most logic out of all of us (except him) {Omit. Rather confusing and irrelevant} combined. He wore his Dark Piette set with his Vaulter 2000. {Again, show us what his gear looks like. Do not tell us what his gear is. For someone who does not know what a Dark Piette or a Dark Shadow suit is will have no idea what you are talking about. The same goes for all the rest of the specific items unique to the game.}

   “Second [that],” Jason replied[,] laughing. Jason was a warrior twice as strong Show his strength as me but half as smart as a wild boar on drugs. {Inappropriate image. This is an image that is illogical or non-fitting. Do wild boars do drugs?} He wore his Maroon Jangoon set along with a Zard, Titan and a Sabertooth strapped to his back. A Zeco and a Crescent Polearm lay nearby next to him. Over 20 Iron daggers were strapped around his torso; he was a mobile killing machine. {This is the place where you need to show the most. Just imagine an English teacher reading this. Now imagine their reaction. They would be very confused. show!, do not tell.}

   “So what’s the selection today?” I asked sitting down in a creaky old chair unoccupied at the table.

   “Well some old man was rambling on about the mass increase of the mushrooms at the east trees,” Aaron replied.

   “There was also this widow who wanted revenge on the lupins for taking her husband,” Jason added. {I forget what this error is specifically called, but you cannot do this. You are completely belittling the situation. Do not you think that a death would be more serious, and not be put by?}

   “And there was a family that was ransacked by a flock of maladys,” Mike said.

   I thought about this for a moment and came up with a solution. {New paragraph.}“The mushrooms can wait[.] [If] we act fast[,] we can probably save the husband {Sorry to break it to you, but the husband is dead and not coming back. “Taking,” in this sense, means that he is dead. This is reinforced by the fact that the wife is a widow. A widow is a woman who’s husband has died} in time to return the items pillaged by the maladys[.] [We] can work on the mushrooms some other time,” I replied. {This sentence had a lot of punctuation errors. Watch that. In general, you have pretty poor comma use.} Everyone turned to Mike[,] knowing he was the man of intelligence (even though he’s a bowman o.O). {First of all, you do not show that a bowman in general is ignorant. Such an unsupported statement just confused people. Also, (and I do not know this because I have never hear such a thing before) this sounds like a stereotype. You should avoid stereotypes in writing. Last, please remove the stupid face. That is just stupid and has no place in writing.}

   “Sounds good enough,” Mike finally said[,] while stretching back[,] preparing for a good day filled with work. We all got up[, stocked full of potions, and] walked out the door into the bright safety {Bright does not describe safety. Bright can imply safety, but it does not describe it.} of the city and {And shows a simultaneous action. You did not walk into both at once. You need some sort of time distinguishing word. A then could work.} into the dangerous forests of the Unknown.

   {Wow. . .well, I suppose it was fairly well written, save the horrible comma use. By well written, I mean not many grammar mistakes (I also had to look up a word). However, this story was not very good. I felt like I was reading a timeline of a person’s day. “He did this. Then he did this. Then he did this. Then he did this. I do not care what he was wearing or what his friends were wearing. The fact that you want to include this is fine. However, your entire story is pretty much based on this rather than actions and a plot. In reality, there is very little plot. “I got dressed and walked out of my house. Then I went to this place to meet my friends (even though I constantly insult them). Then we contrived a plan.” Boring! This needs a lot of work. I wonder why this got on the front page. . .oh! I know. Because you begged for likes four times! How pathetic.}

10. dude, take a chill pill -.-

11. 1029384756 said: “dude, take a chill pill -.-“

    yea man just chill

12. i mean to the guy who wont stfu

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