Things to do in toilets
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, ”May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. ”Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ”Hmmm, I’ve never seen that colour before.”
5. ”Damn, this water is cold.”
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ”Now how did that get there?”
8. ”Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.”
9. Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,’ Whoa! Easy boy!!”
10. ” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,’ Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
12. ”C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
13. ”Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
14. ”Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your ”Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, ”Peek-a-boo!”
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ”Born Free.”
In a battalion of the foreign legion there is a new Commandant. He is greeted by the lieutenant who shows him around the fort.
“This is the kitchen, grubs served 3 times a day.”
“This is the main barracks all the privates sleep in here”
“This is the officer’s mess, you’ll be staying in that room”
“Finally this is the stable”
THe new commandant looks around the stable inspecting the horses on show. Most are fin, thoroughbreds, proper cavalry horses. Finally at the end of the row is a decrepid looking camel. He is flea bitten and scraggy and looks half dead.
The commandant asks, “Why is that camel here it looks good for nothing?”
The lieutenant replies “Yeh, the soldiers only use it when they need to relieve sexual tension”
The commandant is shocked by this but reasons, in the deset you’ve gotta have something to release the tension.
The commandant quickly settles into the daily life of the fort. However after a few weeks he really needs to “let off some steam”. Feeling impressed with his integration into the foriegn legion he decides that he should do as the other soldiers do so goes down to the stable one night, drops his trousers and proceeds to have sex with the camel.
He’s about half way through when the lieutenant enters, “What are you doing sir!”
“I’m just relieving my sexual tension using the camel like you said the other men did”
“Well yes but they use it to ride into town to use the brothels there!”
A boy goes up to his mum and asks her “Mum, is God a man or a Woman?”
“In a way son, He’s both,” replies the mum.
“Mum, is God Black or White?” the boy asks.
“Well, i guess he would be both son,” the mum replied.
The boy spent a little while thinking and then asked his mum:
“Mum, is God Michael Jackson?”
Can’t think of anymore right now… =(
INCLUDE YOUR OWN
lol i likethe michael jackson joke =D
LMAO now that was entertaining!
that 2nd was was FUNNY! ive heard the third
ahaha i got a good laugh out off those!
gujju ♥
A man goes into a bar and orders some chili. The bartender replies, “Sorry, the man next to you got the last bowl.”
He turns to the man sitting next to him and noticed he hadn’t eaten any of the chili, and asks,”If you’re not gonna eat that chili, can I have it?”
“Yeah, sure.” The man replies, pushing the bowl over to him.
After about halfway through the chili, his fork hits something. He digs around it, lifts it up, and finds a dead rat. He throws up all the chili he had eaten.
The man next to him sees this and says,”Yeah, thats about as far as I got too.”
Nuts, I knew some good ones, hang on, thinking,
LMAO, I have one:
A hobo on a street sees a FOXY nun. She is getting on a bus, so the hobo follows her. He sits on the street across from her, and says, “Hey Baby!”
The nun replies, “Go away, you not getting ANYTHING!”
The hobo persists to say things to the nun, so she gets off the bus.
The hobo realizes he is out of luck, so waits, then gets off at the next stop.
As he is getting off the bus, the bus driver, named Edward, says, “What’s wrong? You seem sad!”
The hobo replies, “That nun doesn’t want to do it with me!”
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night, that nun goes to the cemetery to warship Jesus.”
“Hmmm, I know what I should do!” said the hobo, and quickly gets off of the bus.
He bought a Jesus costume, put it on, and went to the cemetery.
He sees the nun, and cries, “I am Jesus, you MUST make love with me!”
“But I want to reman a Virgin, so you must do it through the mouth!”
“Fine with me,” says the Hobo,
So after a while, the hobo says, “Ha ha, I am really the hobo!” and pulls off his costume.
The nun pulls off her costume, and says, “Ha ha, I am the bus driver!”
Oh yeah, sry for double posting but:
CIA entrance exam. The first guy goes in and the CIA gives him a gun and says ‘Your wife is in teh other room. Go in, shoot her, come out and you’ll be in teh CIA’ So he goes in, comes back a while later and says ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’ The same thing happens with the second guy. The third guy, takes the gun, goes in. Silence. Then banging, screaming. The a loud crash, and more banging and screaming. THen silence again. The third guy comes out, soaked in blood and says ‘Guys, you gave me blanks so I had to use the chair.’
Sorry about the ‘teh CIA’ Im too lazy to change it
xD Sirsolo. Except the time I read it, the third candidate was a woman and she killed her husband with the chair.
Well, here’s mine:
A woman with her child was getting on the bus. The bus driver glared at her and said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” Angrily, the woman threw her fare at him and stormed to the back of the bus. Noticing that she was agitated, a man sitting next to her asked what was wrong. She replied, “The bus driver insulted me.”
“Well, I think you should go give him a piece of your mind,” answers the man. “Here, let me hold your pet monkey.”
And another one:
A man had just gone to Vegas and was down to his last fifteen bucks. He blew ten bucks gambling and was walking outside to find a taxi so he could go home for the night, but only one was available. He stepped in and said to the driver, “Hey, if I give you five bucks, can you drive me to my hotel and I’ll pay you back later when I strike it big?” The driver answered, “No,” curtly, and rolled up the window in the guy’s face.
A week later, the man struck it big and won millions at the tables. He was walking outside and this time there was a whole line of taxis waiting, and the taxi driver who brushed him off a week ago at the end of the line. Feeling vengeful, the man walks to the opposite end of the line, taps on the window, and asks, “How much to go to the airport?”
“Ten bucks,” the cabbie replies.
“How much for sexual favours along the way?” At this, the driver exclaims, “What?! No way, man!” and the guy walks off. He repeats the same questions to every taxi down the line until he reaches the cab of the mean taxi driver. This time he simply asks, “How much to the airport?”
“Ten bucks,” the mean driver replies, and the rich man climbs in. In order to go to the airport, they have to pass all the other taxis along the way, and the guy smiles and makes thumbs-up signs through the window to all the taxis he has passed and asked the two questions to.
xD Get it?
Dude, the camel one is super gross. I can’t believe how soldiers are so desperate -_-
The MJ one was funny, but the nun and the hobo was funnier. I have a lot of jokes. I gotta think what to put.
A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, “No use knocking, mate, there’s no toilet paper in this one either.”
ok, ok, ok, i got 1
there were 3 ppl in a building room rite? a foriegn guy, a white guy, and a black guy
the foriegn guy threw a cigarette out the window
white guy: yo what u do tat 4?
foriegn guy: dont worry i have plenty in my country
foriegn guy throws a pen out the window
white guy: WO WUT U DO TAT 4?
foriegn guy: dunt worry i hab plenty in ma country,
foriegn guy throws the black guy out the window
white guy: yo what u do tat 4?
foriegn guy: dont worry i hab plenty in ma country
sry 4 the typin i rushed through it
by the way you didnt think of it yourself, heres the website
link
well im back, lol ive heard the one about the nun before, but LOL to the woman and the baby joke xD
anyway here’s some more:
George Bush dies and is sent to hell.
Satan explains to George Bush that hell is overcrowded and that he needs to evict someone else to make room.
“i’ll give you a choice” says Satan, and George is shown 3 rooms.
In the first room is J.F.K. being stretched on a rack.
“If you choose this room” says Satan, “you will be tortured on the rack forever.
“Don’t fancy that” says George, and he is shown the second room.
Behind the next door is Richard Nixon who is being savaged by rabid baboons.
“If you choose this room” says Satan, “you will be mutilated by rabid baboons forever”
“that doesn’t appeal either” says George and Satan opens the final door.
George Bush jumps for joy as he sees Bill Clinton being blown off by Monica Lewinsky—-forever.
“I’ll take this one!” says George “this one!”
Satan shrugs and says
“OK Monica, you can go, “
David Beckham, the Pope and a little girl are on an aeroplane that is about to crash, and there are only 2 parachutes.
Acting very cowardly, David Beckham runs, takes one off the hook and jumps off the plane.
The Pope then turns to the little girl and says “Child, I have lived a very full life while you still have yours to live, so take the last parachute and jump off the plane.”
The little girl then replies “Don’t worry your Popeness, David Beckham run off with my rucksack instead.”
There’s a Jew, a Hindu and a Scouser
They’re on a long road trip and can’t find anywhere to stay the night. Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn.
The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle down for the night – facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Jew.
“I’m sorry guys, but there’s a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean animals in my religion and I couldn’t possibly share a room with it.”
So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down for the night – facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Hindu.
“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred animals in my religion. I couldn’t possibly desecrate it with my unholy presence.”
So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down for the night – facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.
note* no offence to any scousers there may be reading this
They’re on a long road trip and can’t find anywhere to stay the night. Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn.
The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle down for the night – facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Jew.
“I’m sorry guys, but there’s a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean animals in my religion and I couldn’t possibly share a room with it.”
So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down for the night – facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Hindu.
“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred animals in my religion. I couldn’t possibly desecrate it with my unholy presence.”
So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down for the night – facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.
note* no offence to any scousers there may be reading this”
LOL!