Disclaimer: the disclaimer is already stated in the prologue, so please read the disclaimer on the prologue before you start reading this chapter, if you have not yet. Thank you.
Blue Enigma
I ran. I ran, my face twisting into a look of sheer horror. I looked back the man was still there. His face shown vaguely due to the darkness. I continued to run without thinking, fear dominating my mind. I looked back once more. The silhouette pulled out a weapon. A few seconds later, it occurred to me, crashing down like a tsunami. He was holding a gun. He aimed at me, and pulled the trigger
I woke up abruptly; the terrifying nightmare awakened me. I was lying down on a sofa, with a blanket. I didnt recall having a blanket, though. Probably either Madeline or Francis put a blanket over me overnight. I yawned, and checked the time. 7:30, still early. I attempted to resume sleeping, but I smelled somethingsomething good. I stood up. I walked towards the kitchen, lured by the delectable aroma of breakfast. Madeline was cooking, and I greeted her good morning. She greeted me back with a smile on her face. I requested if I could help her in anything, and she asked me if I could help her set the table, and so I did. Madeline called for Francis, and he arrived in his pajamas. We all ate breakfast heartily. Those pancakes and bacon were extremely delicious; one of the best breakfasts I ever ate. I did not leave any leftovers, not even tiny pieces of pancakes on the plate.
Francis stood up, thanking his sister for breakfast. Immediately, he turned his attention to me. He smiled. Im going to the swamp to gather some research today. Akatsuki-kun, would you like to come? he asked.
Sure, I replied, Id be honored to go to work with you.
Madeline stared at Francis in confusion and something I did not recognize. I disregarded it, however. Its probably nothing. Of course, I am coming too right? she asked.
About that he started sheepishly. I dont think it would be a good idea for you to go Its rather dangerous there.
Dont worry about me, I can protect myself. And I want to draw the monsters and collect specimen from the monsters at the swamp.
Ahhh But
Why cant she come? She is your assistant, after all. And, if she gets into any trouble, I can heal and protect her, I smiled, throwing in my two-cents worth as well.. Madeline blushed, and nodded. We both started at Francis. Sighing, he finally relented.
Alright Be careful, though.
As we walked through the swamp, I observed my surroundings carefully. No harmful monsters were seen, but the environment gave me a spooky feeling. I looked towards Madeline. She was staring at her brothers back, as if examining something. We continued to hike in silence, stopping occasionally so that Francis could take a sample, or so Madeline could quickly sketch something down. After a while, I became comfortable with my surroundings, and occupied myself by looking at the monsters we had past by.
We had stopped for a short break, which I spent by stretching a little and glancing at my watch. It had been a few hours since we had left the house. I looked off into the distance and squinted, due to the poor lighting. About a less than half a mile or so were the first signs of Crocos. I turned around to warn Madeline, but was instead greeted by the sight of a beam of ice, charging towards Francis. It missed, and struck a nearby Ligator instead. Both Francis and I turned to look at her in shock.
What the ? Whats going on? I thought to myself, unable to tear my vision from the ice wizard. She was scowling, glaring suspiciously at her brother.
I finally tore my vision off of Madeline and turned towards Francis, who was looking at her with sheer surprise.
M Madeline ? He managed to squeak out.
Youre not my brother Francis, Madeline stated in a no-nonsense sort of shown, her facial features displaying how serious she was. Her words were as cold as the ice she had manipulated. A chill went down my spine, even though the words had not been directed at me.
What do you mean? he asked, backing up a step from his sister. If Im not your brother, who else can I be?
Her answer was quick and to the point. An imposter, of course. You cant be my brother. Youre very different from him. Starting with your height Francis is nowhere as tall as you. Also, the way you move and how you act were dead giveaways, as well. Id never seen Francis struggle while taking a plant sample, before.
He stared at her for a short while, before a tiny smirk blossomed upon his lips, growing wider. I supposed theres no use for me to hide it, then. Im surprised you didnt notice sooner Unless your brother is prone to having growth spurts of a couple inches once every couple of nights. He spoke, voice huskier than Francis, but baring a smoothness most cannot achieve.
I noticed since this morning, thank you very much. I just chose not to reveal it, Madeline said quietly.
Touché.
His hand made its way to his chin, and he promptly tore off the flesh mask and wig he was wearing. Light, steel-blue hair tumbled down, falling just past his shoulders and over his right eye. Aquamarine blue eyes glimmered and danced with mischief. Because of the dim lighting, though, I could only see him vaguely.
Madeline and I just continued to stare at the imposter.
He sauntered towards me with cat-like graces, that smirk never leaving his lips. Soon, he was directly in front of me, bent down just a bit so he could look me in the eye. Youre a gunslinger, desu ka? he asked.
Horror suddenly struck my mind and heart; how did he know? Who who are you, and how do you know that? I asked, trying to sound indifferent. My voice disobeyed me, however, trembling in terror.
No one special, he replied nonchalantly. But, by the looks of it, my hunch proved to be correct.
I recoiled, still horrified with the sudden question. I looked towards Madeline. Tears welled up in her eyes as she opened her mouth to speak.
Where is Francis? What have you done to him?
Oh, your brother? he scoffed. I left him somewhere. Dun remember where.
Madeline started running, shouting Francis name. I stood still, panickinghow did this guy know my identity?
What is your name
and how do you know that I am the infamous gunslinger? Tell me! I shouted. A small chuckle escaped from his lips. He looked to be absolutely amused.
Hj Kaosu. And, about the second question he winked, thats for me to know, and you to find out.
I stood still, staring at the mysterious man. Hj Kaosu Suddenly, the trance broke, and I remembered about Madeline. I promised to protect her. I ran in search for her, leaving Hj behind.
Ne, ne, its rude to ditch people, he whined. It wasnt hard to figure out that hed followed me, purposes unknown.
I continued to find Madeline, but failed. I could not see nor hear her. She probably teleported far away in search of her brother. I sighed, my head falling in disgrace. How could I let this happen? I promised to protect her.
I heard a yawn behind me. There was no doubt that it was Hj. She should give up, he spoke indifferently. I just remembered where he is.
I grabbed the color of his shirt. He smiled. Stop playing around! I shouted. Now tell me where he is, right now!
Because he was slightly taller than me, it just proved to be a bit more difficult than I thought it would be. He did not struggle, however. But where would the fun be in that?
Slightly annoyed, I produced a holy arrow, aiming it directly at Hj. The arrow tip pointed towards him. Tell me where he is I threatened.
He yawned again. Ill give you a clue, he said coolly, hes still on Victoria Island.
What kind of clue is that?! Be more specific! My patience wore thin, and little by little, I began to release the arrow. Finally, I gave up, and the arrow disappeared.
Please I begged, Just tell me where Francis is.
He scoffed once again, this time in disgust. Youre pathetic, he stated bluntly.
I could not take it anymore; I started a hand gesture, and then aimed the Magic Claw directly at him. Surprisingly, he allowed the attack to hit him. Violence isnt going to get you anywhere, mon ami.
I surrendered this matter. I needed to find Francis, but I also needed to find Madeline. And, this guy is really strong, judging by the fact that hes completely unscathed even after providing a stationary target to my Magic Claw. He isnt ordinary he also knew about my true identity. I sprinted, in search for Madeline and Francis.
Ne, he called out to me before I was out of earshot. Yknow, its quite pointless to wander around aimlessly, searching for a person. More like searching for a needle in a haystack, rather. He said matter-of-factly.
I pretended to ignore him, but I couldnt. Theres nothing else I can do, I replied, but to search for them myself.
I said it wouldnt be fun if I just told you, not that I wasnt gonna show you where he is, eventually, he muttered. Killjoy, he sighed, and walked off, not bothering to check if I was following or not.
Alright, you win. What do you want me to do in order for you to tell me?
He said nothing, and continued to walk in the same direction. I dashed into the direction of Hj, and grabbed his shirt. I know youre not just an ordinary person you know my true identity. Isnt that why you disguised yourself as Francis? To meet me? Here I am now. What do you want?
I thought you wanted to find Francis, he replied, so why are you stopping me?
Yes, I need to find Francis but I really need to know who you are. You disguised as him, to lure me. I know that part. I want to know the reason why, I want to know the reason how you know me.
He sighed, and pointed ahead. On a single platform a whiles away, a single being laid there. Even with the distance, I could tell he was tied down by rope or the like. Im leading you straight to him.
Was it my persistent persuasion? My thirst for knowledge? Was it because I annoyed him? I didnt know the answerfrankly, I did not care. He told me where Francis is. He actually helped me. He didnt seem so bad after all, but Im judging this all too quickly. Then, realization dawned upon me. Hed led me straight into the heart of Sleepywood dungeon. Dark and Mixed golems marched beneath us. Hj continued walking, ignoring the giant stone-made guardians surrounding him. I hurriedly ran towards Francis. He was unconscious. I tried to wake him up, but he didnt. I looked towards Hj. He was going somewhere. I untied Francis, and left him for awhile. I followed Hj. He stopped in front of a plant, and carefully plucked a leaf from it. He then made his way back to Francis, and placed the leaf over his heart. Within a couple of seconds, Francis had woken.
Ugh where am I? he said, as he rose. I helped him up.
Sleepywood, I said, this is where Hj brought us. Im sure theres a reason though. Where is Madeline ?
Hj? Who is Hj? Francis asked softly. Hj raised his hand.
I bowed. Well anyways, thanks Hj, for telling me the location of Francis. I still dont know your true identity, but one day I will find out. Now we need to go find Madeline, so see you around.
I was about to leave before Hj had grabbed me by the arm and forcefully pulled me towards him. Before I could react, he had reached me into my pocket and pulled out the gun in my possession. I froze. He inspected it for a second. Hmmm Remington Model 1858, ne? A true beauty indeed. The last one of the Remington company, too.
I hurriedly grabbed the gun back. What are you doing?! You know how dangerous this is? I put the revolver back into my pocket. And how do you know the model?
Wordlessly, a black object slid out of his sleeve. He pointed it at me, far enough only for me to see what it was. A gun. He was a gunslinger as well. My eyes widened. Beretta 92FS, he said, 9mm semi-automatic, 17 round magazine.
I remembered my dream. The silhouette with the gun. I recoiled with great horror. Suddenly, I heard a voice from behind me. Akatsuki! Francis! It was Madelines. She found us. She ran towards Francis and embraced him. I still recoiled from Hj. He smirked, and slid the weapon back into his sleeve.
I suppose were colleagues, non?
I did not notice I was on the floor. Madeline and Francis just stared blankly at me, Hj still smirking. I tried to stand up, but my shock was still too great. I was also afraid that he was going to shoot me, like in my nightmare. Even though he put back his gun, I still stayed cautious. He stood up, and brushed invisible dust off his clothes. Hj immediately grinned brightly.
Now that was fun, wasnt it? He chirped.
I stood up quietly, and walked towards Madeline and Francis. I reached them, and spoke quietly.
Lets go home quickly! I started running. Both of them followed me in confusion. I ran blindly away from Sleepywood, caring less about anything else. I needed to get away. I needed to get away from him as fast as I could; the thought of another gun wielder petrified me, sending chills through my body. I had to get away I needed to.
I only read a bit. I’ll read the rest when I get back.
A point to note: This sounds really choppy. You are just listing the actions. All one at a time. Something like what I’m writing here. It makes things sound choppy. It makes things sound disjointed. This is bad especially if you are narrating a series of actions.
Okay, moving out of that choppy speech, I’m just suggesting perhaps you try to join your sentences up together. Short sentences are more for variation and emphasis, so don’t over use them or you’ll get a really disjointed story.
Other than that, cool plot development.
A point to note: This sounds really choppy. You are just listing the actions. All one at a time. Something like what I’m writing here. It makes things sound choppy. It makes things sound disjointed. This is bad especially if you are narrating a series of actions.
Okay, moving out of that choppy speech, I’m just suggesting perhaps you try to join your sentences up together. Short sentences are more for variation and emphasis, so don’t over use them or you’ll get a really disjointed story.
Other than that, cool plot development. “
Awesome, thank you for the critique! I am expecting and wanting more critiques like this one, so my friends, especially I myself, can improve in writing. Thank you for the comment!
Ara, I reread it, “Collar” was spelt as “Color” and “Grace” was “Graces”. o_O Like I said, I suck at editing, F3. Oh, and “Tone” became “Shown”, What was I thinking when I edited this? =_= Anywayses, MY HJ-CHAAAAAAAAAAN! <3 *Huggles Hj-chan plushie* Yaaaaay~
so is the guy half French half Japanese? o noticed he was saying words from both languages
Hj-chan? Half French and half Japanese? Sure, Let’s go with that. (Even though he’s actually Chinese/El Nathian.)
It was awesome
A bit more action-y.
But then, you put so many verbs in there, it sounds something like this.
I ran. Up the hill. Jumping over bushes. I vaulted over fences. Took out the trash. Read a book. Played FlyFF, on Zathe in Mia. (lol subliminal messages. I want j00 to join FlyFF) Ate breakfast. Slept. Played basketball. Vaulted over fences.
I would write what it should sound like, but I don’t feel like it.
7.4/10