The Warrior-Chapter 9.

11 Comments

Sorry for the really long delay and stuff. =P

Enjoy! Comment too! =D

Foresight.

It has been days since Henesys was razed to the ground by the monsters. Our protagonists survived the attack and was confronted by the Stranger. Fenrir went into a rage and attacked the Stranger, only to see him getting defeated by six blows of the Stranger’s daggers. The Stranger escaped and our heroes are now on the road to Lith Harbour to seek medical attention.

Fenrir woke from his slumber. Head aching from hitting the ground. “Hey, Are you okay?”, Fenrir asked, his speech slurring. “You’re the one that’s not okay, you warrior!”,
The bow-woman replied heartily, “I thought I lost you. We’ll have to seek some herbs immediately, look at your wounds. Luckily that wasn’t fatal.”

Fenrir felt himself being lifted up by two seemingly fragile hands and being placed on a leather-like object. So…, Fenrir thought. Just as he fell asleep, he could hear a sob coming from beside him, he dismissed it as a wild slime.

Fenrir was on a cliff, lush greenery all around him. Below the cliff was a port, which looked eerily familiar to Lith Harbour. He heard a sudden crash of trees. Muscles tensing up, he spun around, having the shock of his life. A balrog, a smaller version but nonetheless big, towered over him. Fenrir screamed in fury as he reached for his sword.

Waking with a start, Fenrir realized he was sweating, his armour wet with it. He took a nearby leaf and started wiping off his sweat. While cleaning his armour, he glimpsed at Evanna. It appeared that her face was red, an obvious sign that she had been crying. Fenrir continued wiping his armour, ignoring it.

Fenrir got up and explored the razed town, searching for supplies. He found some dried meat, salted vegetables and found a backpack lying on the ground. After putting supplies in the back pack, he pulled the drawstring, he felt a sharp pain on his left hand. He swore aloud, waking Evanna up.

Wiping her dried tears away, she said as she pointed at the backpack, “Where are we going from here on?” Replying in his usual tone, “Lith Harbour, I have a feeling that something is going to happen there.”

Tying the backpack on to a tame Kargo nearby, Fenrir got up on to the saddle, asking with a grin, “Well, are you coming or not?” Evanna smiled.

Little did they know things were going to get worse.

———————————————————–

Comment! I order you to! >=O

I have got the story planned out. . .No, Ebildude, I am not going to tell it.

Its just that I’m lazy to type it out. =P I SWEAR! IT WAS THE LAZINESS!

Like it if you wanna. i am not forcing you. =D

11 thoughts on “The Warrior-Chapter 9.”

  3. Super-duper harsh? Okay, if you say so~

    For starters, your sentences are too choppy. I.E: ‘It had been days since Henesys was razed to the ground by the monsters; our protagonists survived the attack and were confronted by the Stranger.’Try making them flow together more, use more commas. It’s your friend. xD

    Don’t use too many big words. It sounds nice on paper, but it’s difficult to get into the story if you have to many adjectives, but no worries, you only did that once or twice.

    I also noted a few times you jumped back and forth between past and present tense. Might wanna work on that, makes it easier to read.

    Lastly, describe things more. Describe how your characters are feeling in depth, how they look down to the last little detail. What your main character would notice, things like that. And your surroundings, how things smell, how they look, how they feel. It’ll add a good level of quality.

    Overall, I think you did a lovely job. Keep at it!

    ~Mip

  4. I gotta take notes of the advice you gave.
    Is it gonna help me in essays?

    Can you be my English tutor? 😀

  5. *copies down comment*

    This helps more than an hour being lectured . O_O

    -aces at essays-

    [About the story]

    How did you know that something is going to happen to Lith Harbour?

  7. Erm. Very short.

    It lacks character, not people in the story but the the story/plot itself lacks a personality. Is like this: *He walked. He tripped. “Ouch”* Like Mipsacri said before, give a little more detail on the characters, how they feel on the inside, what they’re thinking, why are they there, etc.

    Don’t just give a personality to your character but give a personality to the surrounding areas, to the pet, to the back pack, etc.

    Ask yourself questions like,:
    -What color armour does the character have?
    -Where is the injury?
    -Why did the attack happen?
    -How did they arrive to their current location?
    -How are they going to get from point A to point B?
    -When are they going to get there, and how long will the trip from point A to point B be?

    Questions like that.

    When you are in the past tense stay with the past tense such. It’s hard typing down a story and trying to stay in one tense. I know I’ve messed up on that plenty of times.

    Be creative and have fun with it.

    My only problem with it was the lack of detail in the story.

    -A

  8. It wasn’t that bad, Fenny. I thought the level of detail just right, even if the flow is a bit choppy.

    The criticism was good too, though. You’ve got Mip AND Aaru to comment! XD

  10. Whoa, this chapter is shorter than my blog o.O
    Nevertheless, I won’t criticize you cuz I suck at English -coughs- =)
    -Gives a cookie- It’s okay Fenrir =D, nobody is going to hurt you x3

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