Well im a 13year old boy.This new girl comes in from class and says “Hello Im Kairi.”She look way hot yet she looks sad but sounds happy.I look into her eyes but I see happiness trying to fight over sadness yet no one else can see that.I talk to her at lunch time yet she just smiles and waves her hair.I dont wanna say something stupid like “Would you like to go to the prom thats coming up?” or “Are you sad?”
Really does that sound smart. >_>
I get shoved away from my seat because every boy in my class think shes hot and want to get a date with her.Of course Im the only one who doesnt try because im cool with everyone but im shy…I found out she moves next door to me.(I’m all WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)(just to tell ya =P)
I go ring her doorbell saying “Hi my Jason is Name(i blew it…)
She laughs and say “are you trying to say hi or ask me out?”
Im nervous and the next thing i say it “I like you”and I kiss her…
She holds me and cries.(I’m all nervous right now and i put like 1/3 of a bottle of axe on)(and she doesnt smell it…)
(mustve sweatened it off)Then i hold her hand and ask her “whats the matter?”.She says “no one has said i love you since my parents died.”
Im shocked that her parents died and she lives with your grandma(luckily she didnt see my kiss her.>_>)
The next day i see shes not in her seat.Then i found out shes not in lunch,Social Studies,nor math.Then when i go home i go sraight to her house.I ring her doorbell and no one answers then i go home.My mom makes me dinner(since i was waiting all day for Kairi to pick up the phone.)Then my mom reminds me this girl left a note.I rush to take the note tripping on my dog.Then my dog runs and trips my mom and takes the note!Then i get a fishing net and catch my dog.Then i see dog spit on the note and cant read it…
I then call her again and no answer.Then my mom comes in and tells me she remember what the note says.
She said
“Dear Jason,
I know i didnt stay long but since my grandma has a bad hip shes moving in with my aunt.I love you Jason and remember you are my first love.”
Then I cry over my loss.Then i look over the note and i see a phone number that isnt slubbered.I rush to the phone and call the number and i hear her voice and she says “Hello?”
not bad, But are you copying drunkdaddy’s (her name was karla)? I know you might have made it different but, You know, It still seems like copying. But nvm, this is a very good story.
yeah, what icyfangs said, awesome!
^_^~Kazu
Eww.
You said a word as Sacred as “LOVE” when you only knew someone for like, a day?
And why did you slur it all as sentence fragments and run-on sentences?
ZOMG IT DOES SEEM LIKE COPYING!
Wow, its like 3 sec and BOOM they’re going out.
Love is more complicated than this and you know it.
grammar wise, theres alot of room for improvement here. Other than that its pretty ok
^^ wut everyone said ^^ I’m sure you can improve, you need more things to happen before you fall in love, cuz it’s love not lust ^^
– VanillaPocki –
I mean, compared to other stories, the spelling isn’t bad, just don’t forget to use that punctuation! Yeah, love isn’t that simple. It’d be great if it was but it’s not. Just, drag that out a little more. Other than that, pretty good!
Concept is good, story is good, run-on sentences are killing me slowly,
Overall, it’s good, man. Even if it IS a copyat post XD
wat does dis gotta do with msO_O
WOW THAT WAS REALLY QUICK “LOVE”. Well anyway, I think this can be a REALLY GOOD story, if you slowed down.
did this happened to you in real life? O_o
um, its ok, but love is a deep emotion, not something that happens in less than a day.
Also, prom isnt for 13 year olds, its for 18 year olds,
its a great start and i enjoyed reading it. Just take your time and dont rush it.
I had a prom at my skool wen i was 12.