Before you read this, I want to inroduce you to some one look at the first picture. That is our hero *dammit im a girl so im a herion you moron!*Ok, ok, ok……… she is our heroin, she will soon begin a journey through Victoria Island to a random place that i havent decided yet. But tahts the good part of being an author, you are the god of your story, everthing happens as you have planned. Now lets begin.(and i changed the other me’s text from being in *’s to be in -‘s)
It was a fine day in Henesys,and young 15 year old -yes i turned 15 on xmas eve in 06- was playing with Desley, her boy friend, in the feilds. Now, they were playing tag -fully dressed sadly- SHUT UP, any way, they were palying tag, I know, lame for a 15 and 16 year old but yes, tag. Now, just as the story began, I noticed something, a man was walking towards the couple. He’s greeting them now.
RandomGuy: Hello my name is-
Im going to name him………TOm
RandomGuy: My name is Joe
what!!!!!! I named him TOM!!!!!!!!!! Jeeze, well, you are mostly the god of your story, in some ways.
Joe: Well, Im here because I have a message for Ciara Koth
Ciara: Thats me
Joe: Well, here you go *kisses Ciara’s hand and hands her a package*
OMG!!!! I told that son of a _______ to hand me the package and go after Desley trips on a rock!
Just then, Desley tripped on a rock -he was standing still to-
Desley: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY FIANCE!!!!
Um…… Desley…….. I told you not to say that until ch2…… ok, i luv you, so Ill let you off teh hook, but Tom, no, Joe, I cant call him one thing and Ciara call him another, you’d get confused, so Joe it is, I was planning to keep you in this stry for a while longer, but sicne your such an ___ Ill kick you out after ths chapter.
Joe: Oh, I had no idea! -Ya right you ____- Crongratulations my lady!
Ciara: Thank you! Your not getting invited just because of this though!
Alright, I think thats enough for the prolouge/1st chapter, more? fine, Ill write a little more.
*After a few minutes*
Ciara: *pant pant* Im tired, lets go home hun
Desley: Sure sweety
So, Desley put his hand on her shoulder and she rested her head on hsi shoulder -whats with you and shoulders?- and they walked off towards home.
Now wait a moment before I finish up. Isnt Ciara me? wait, then I should be writing like
I kissed him on the cheek as we walked
Ok, net chapter Ill write like that…………………
Think before you type
(geek talk)SNORK*
umm, Once upona mapletime there was a arguement among the gods.Nexon the God of Maple,and Radiel The god of the Creatures.Radiel created a war,against Human and Creatures.
The Humans had no chance(they havent masterd any anything all beginners)So Nexon Sent orbis to the skys along with ludi,And sent florina drifting through the waters
Nexon then sacerfised his life to create the world MaplesStory to be a safer place.
Nexon and radiel was never seen again,
prologue should be like short or what eva
BUT NEVER GIVE UP wink*
Not that great
What the heck? This might even be worse than how I write =/
I’m confused.
Is this in 1st or 3rd party narrative?
Also, if you claim you are the ‘god’, why do you keep commenting on their actions?
I completely do not comprehend that. ‘I’ and ‘you’ cannot refer to the same speaker in a sentence. Who is the ‘you’ refering to?
Lot’s of grammatical and spelling mistakes. Also, if you didn’t mention Victoria Island and Wizet, it would be completely irrelevant.
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FTW!
First, Don’t use ‘(‘ and ‘)’ unless you want to break the fourth wall. Like in a comedy or something.
Second, don’t use ‘-‘ unless its absolutely possible. Ask a english pro for that. =P
Third, Your punctuation. It should be ‘Joe, “Well, I’m here because I have a message for Ciara Koth”.’
Take note of the commas, punctuation marks.
Fourth, the asterisks. Don’t use them in a story. Breaks the storyline and makes it UNPROFESSIONAL.
Fifth, the tense. Write in past tense. Its hard, I know, but at least TRY to make an effort. XO
Sixth, don’t use too much exclamation marks! Use enough to capture the excitement!
Hope you can improve on that. =D
Fenrir, actually it doesn’t hurt to use ‘Joe:’ because this is a play.
A play involves a narrator and characters and the narrator never interferes with the story unless its a comedy play.
But still the narrator will never use I or you.
Also, it is okay to use * and ( ).
Wow. This is exactly why I’m in like with Fenrir. <3
Huh?
Oh, so this is a play. =P
Thought this was a story! XD
No actually it might not be a play due to the use of ‘I’ apart from speeches.
Then again this should solely by labelled as ‘poor writing’.
Badly written?