You probably have heard of me throughout all of Victoria Island. My name is Andy. I am one of the most strongest people of the entire world I’m in, Maple. I am a hybrid of a White Knight and a Chief Bandit, as a “successful” experiment, if you can call it that, tested on me during my infant stages. But the Job Masters found out about this horrible experiment, and destroyed the lab. Unfortunately, they forgot one thing, to exterminate the monster born from the experiment, me. As I grew older, so did my understanding of the world. I grew up and became a White Knight. The Chief Bandit powers inside of me lay dormant as I grew. One day, I was in a fight.
“Hey! Andy! You think you’re so good?!”, they said.
“Better than you losers.”, I snapped back.
They moved into offensive positions, ready to spring on me. I put my hand on the only thing I have to remember me of my childhood, my Doombringer, made from the finest metal in the universe.
They sprang right at me and attempted to injure me. They were all holding Daggers of all kinds, Shinkitas, Getas, even Fruit Knives. I managed to block almost half of the strikes, but the rest created slashes all over my body. My conscious, enraged by the pain, caused my dormant powers inside to roar out, adding Chief Bandit skills to my arsenal of White Knight abilities, making me incredibly stronger, faster, and more vicious.
My DoomBringer started glowing, its shape shifting into that of a Dragon’s Tail before the light faded. The cuts all over my body started to shine with a crimson color and they disappeared, making the pain fade. I hasted myself and in a flash, I had gone past everyone. Everyone, except for the leader, had slashes all over their body and fell unconscious. Horrified, he turned heel and ran. In an instant, I was right in front of him, blocking his way.
“Where do you think you’re going?”, I asked.
He let out a scream as my Dragon’s Tail pierced right through his chest, instantly killing him.
The power rushed out of me after the strike and I immediately began to feel drained. I never felt so exhausted before in my entire life. I dropped down to my knees, my vision blurring as I blacked out.
[Edit] :: I’ve tried what I could to revise this. Hope you enjoy this version more!
Hmm, this was pretty nice.
The storyline was pretty tough to understand though. :]
8.5/10
Just tell me what needs improvement.
make the story a little longer.
As I told you, this is a test to see if people like it.
A real writer doesn’t write for ratings, m’boy, but it was still good nonetheless.
I’m just not so confident of my abilities to write. My writing teacher says I lack a few things.
It’s really obvious what you lack.
P.S. I bolded it.
If you liked it, why didn’t you click the Likey button?
Fine, I’ll write the second chapter and see how it goes
Wait, shouldn’t this be the prologue?
By the way, what MasterCheeze said is true. No matter how much I despise him, it’s true. You lack confidence. xP
Here’s my two cents (in the form of constructive criticism):
You might want to work on the dialogue. It seemed a tad random. The action didn’t flow as nicely as it could have and this detracted from what was actually happening. Using less choppy phrases and sentences could help you there. Aside from that, increasing one’s vocabulary and knowledge of common expressions will help anyone (i.e. you misused “better _____ than _____” ).
Maybe I should’ve read these comments before I began writing my second chapter.
This is good. You should take the time to develop it into a great story.
Thanks, I’ve been writing a similar story in my spare time, but the plot is totally different.
Work on plot. But I like it so far.
When making quotations, it works like this:
“Blah blah blah,” he said. <- Notice there’s only the comma to connect the sentence. He is not capitalized.
“Blah blah blah.”, he said. <- Incorrect.
“Blah blah blah?” he said. <- In this case, there’s a punctuation mark that’s NOT a period. A comma is not necessary.
“Blah blah blah?”, he said. <- Incorrect.
The comma is usually only necessary to replace a period when you have the “he said” tag.
If it’s just, “Blah blah blah.” You use a period, not a comma.