Part I:

The Beginning

Chapter Six

“Live life with regrets.”

They said that a woman drove herself into insanity and killed herself in her bed. Her wounds slowly spoke blood and filled the room with the stench of death as the weapon that killed her was discovered under her bed, in the middle of the pool of rotted blood.

I wanted to believe it, but I knew it wasn’t true.

We lived our lives as we always had, but in silence. No one spoke of the sin that I had committed unto my mother; murder. My mother’s name was never mentioned or thought of since it happened. As for Reality, I haven’t seen her since she went mad over what I’ve done. Her outburst attacks nearly cost me my eye. As for Dorian, he never spoke a word about it to Renji; he played the innocent card, stating that he didn’t witness what happened to our mother.

Nothing more could be gained from lingering here in the village where I was raised. The sight of my mother’s deathbed, … unchanged, unnerved me, and I was quiet inside and full of love for those around me — Skythe, the dark haired smart mouthed ranger-to-be, and my love, Aaru — but I wasn’t strong enough just yet to take them away from all madness that surrounded us, mainly myself.

I left my home.

I didn’t even take note of who was there anymore. The whole household was now the dwelling place of an insane woman’s spirit. It wasn’t an unruly place, or a neglected place, but I didn’t noticed who remained in the house when I left.

Dorian had sat as he had all along, on the chair in the middle of my room right next to a table and a lamp. In his hand was a book, the left hand lightly supporting the left side of his head as his right hand firmly held his book; it’s fingers touching the cover of the book lightly as if with a purpose, when there was no purpose at all. The fingers of his left hand curled, making a little hollow in the palm where the light from the moon fell, and that too seemed to have a meaning, but there was no meaning at all.

This was simply the hollow body sitting there without will or animation, no more purposeful than the face, it’s expressions almost defiantly intelligent filled with pain and sorrow, given that weeks had passed in which Renji had yet to returned home.

Looking over at him, I never felt so much like a child.

That’s what I am. I fill out the definition, as if it were encoded in me perfectly, and there had never been any other genetic design. I’d been five feet exact and my hands are as delicate as those of a young girl’s hands and I was very young that most mistook me for a girl at times.

I stood at the entrance of my room, watching Dorian read his book that seemed to be about nothing. I walked closer to him, holding a small letter in my hand, looking down at him. Presenting Dorian with the letter, he quickly grabbed my hand and complimented it of how soft and delicate my hands were for it to be a boy’s hand.

Dorian, whom was the complete opposite of Renji, was then quiet as he looked up at me and I saw into his eyes. His eyes held deep dark secrets that sometimes bothered me when he looked at me. His eyes also spoke of sorrow and pain… pain that he hid well behind his kindness and his smiles. A pain that I would probably never understand.

“What is this letter for, child?” he said to me. For as long as I’ve known him… he never once called me a ‘child’ until now.
“Make sure you give this letter to my brother.” I said to him, “Tell him it’s a confession and where I’ll be in the next few years once I make my second job advancement.”
“Why should he know where you are after you make your job advancements?” he asked as I felt his thumb softly caressing the front of my hand. I jerked my hand away from him and threw the letter on the table that was next to him. “Just give it to him…” I turned my back to him and walked towards the door. “I’m leaving, hopefully I don’t have to see you again.” I said coldly to him.

“Wait…” he said as I heard his book close and placed on the table on top of the letter. I turned around and looked at him asking, “what do you want?”
“Since I won’t see my best friend’s little brother again, I might as well tell you who I really am and where I come from.” He said looking directly at me with his eyes filled with such pain, it was as though he was about to cry.
“Why bother telling me who you are or where you come from?” I asked him as I became more loosened and comfortable with the surroundings.
“Because, if I can’t tell your brother, I might as well tell his little brother.” He said to me.
“But why?”
“Because I know that you wouldn’t bother talking to him, not even in a million years. But would any of it matter even if you did tell him what I’m about to tell you? It wouldn’t change anything because I might just go on my own and live life.” He said as he looked down pulling out his communicator. He switched the button on the side of the communicator and turned it off and placed it on top of his book.

“Please sit.” He asked as he looked up at me. I walked over to my old bed and sat down facing him. “If you were to care about what I have to say, then pay close attention. Don’t make the same mistakes that I have done in the past.” He continued, “Love, could be a cruel mistress sometimes. Seducing that which is good and wholesome into something that is total abomination.”

I removed the communicator from my belt and turned it off. I sat there on my bed, my eyes focused upon him. Hunching over a bit so that my elbows would rest upon my lap, I held my hands together and lowered my head slightly so that I could imagine his words come to life as he spoke, so that I could have a better understanding, a better picture of what he was going to confess.

“I’ve been…” he started to confess to me about his heart, I listened to him intently my attention all focused on him. I never looked up at him as he spoke, however, I could feel his eyes watching over me. The strain in his voice as he spoke, he spoke as though he was nervous, of revealing such a fact. “… I’ve been in love with Renji for quiet a while. Since we were younger and you were just a baby back then. I never really knew why but I enjoyed being around him and helping him through thick and thin. Although I make fun of him on the women he picks as his girlfriend, I get frustrated at times to know that he doesn’t love me in return. I know it’s something that is not normal, but my feelings for him can’t be helped.”

As he spoke of loving my brother, I didn’t really felt any shock towards his feelings. I would never suspect that Dorian would love my brother in more ways than just friends, but I wasn’t shocked about it because I always had a hunch that he did. I didn’t bother to talk just then so I let him continue onward with his confession.

“Although he doesn’t know about my current feelings, I don’t want it to ruin our friendship that we have. Personally, I want to tell him but the thoughts of him leaving me because of his dislike of the thought of a man loving another man is purely wrong.” He said with a small pause as he took a small sigh and continued, feeling his eyes focused on me as I looked at the floor.
“It’s not wrong,” I said to him softly, “to feel the way you feel. You both basically grew up together. I wouldn’t blame you.”
“True, however, I can’t tell him for the fear of loosing him as a friend. Even so… I’m most afraid that he would hate me for my love for him. I value our friendship more than anything, and yet a conflict lies within me of whether to tell him or not.”
“Just tell him”
He sighed softly. “I can’t… not just yet anyway. I know I won’t be there forever. But when the time is right, I’ll tell him.”
“They why tell me this?” I asked him, lifting up my head and looked at him. As I looked at him, I saw that his eyes were slightly red, as though he was crying.
“Because if I couldn’t tell him, I could at least tell you. I know that you don’t care, but I need a source of ventilation. And since you don’t care, I know for a fact that you’re not going to tell Renji because you don’t like him, correct?” he asked.
“True… but no one’s journal. You just don’t vent on me about your feelings of someone else, what do I look like to you? Dr.MapleLove?” I asked with a slight smirk.
Dorian and I exchanged a small laugh, then shortly after stood up from our respective seats.

“Good luck in your journey with your little girlfriend.” Dorian said to me as he patted my head slightly.
“And good luck… with your homo-love thing that you do.” I retorted back as I walked out my room. Heading towards the door I realized that Renji’s bedroom door was open. I walked towards his door and pushed the door back slightly in hopes of seeing my brother. Sure enough, there he was as he sat in the dark holding his communicator in his hand.

“Thought you were in El Nath.” I said to him.
“I was,” he said “I just came back to get a few things before I settled in and begin my hard-core training.”
“I see… well, good-luck be unto y-“ he interrupted me “I heard everything Kraven.” He said in a bit of a harsh tone.
“Do you hate him now? Because he’s gay and he loves you?” I asked him with a sharp tongue.
“No, I just never really knew that he loved me that way. And here I thought trying to make my life as ‘straight’ as possible, knowing that my best friend, the guy I love dearly, isn’t straight at all.”
“How could you miss Dorian not being gay, I mean he wears suits with a pink tie, a pink tie Renji!?” I said at him, trying to at least liven the mood a bit.
“It’s not the way he dressed. You see you never seen him in his true nature. Always with women always kissing them and holding them. I just follow in his shadows so that he wouldn’t think I’m some sort of freak.”

“Well you know what, I think you both are weird, freaky, and just gay.”

“Either way, it seemed that he and I both hid our true selves. I just never knew that he felt that way for me. I sort of feeling bad, hell even ashamed for what I did.”
“What did you do?” I asked him.
“I told him that I was going to marry some girl that I recently met. Now hearing what he just said, knowing his feelings now… He must be hurting inside to know that I’m to marry some chick.”
“Well, I’m no Dr.MapleLove expert,” I said calmly to him “but just express the way you feel, but don’t do none of that kissy huggy sh*t either, that’s just weird. I’m not one to shove religion down your throat. But ‘love’ was meant for two people, a.k.a. man and woman.”

To be honest, I was quite astonished at the fact that my brother and Dorian loved each other in ways of true love. I never knew that Renji would be on the other side of the road, loving another man. That’s just the price to pay I suppose, when someone just stays around a friend, it grows more that a friendship.

As it was once stated by a movie flick that I remembered watching a few years after everything happened in my home village, a young man once said:

“No one can truly be friends because someone is always wanting to have sex and/or fall in love with that other person. Even if you are straight or not.”

I guess that that motto, from that movie, was implied between the ‘situation’, which is that of Dorian and Renji. Either way, what they want between the two of them is not really my problem; I just didn’t want to be another Dr.MapleLove.

“Anyway, I guess I’ll just wish you good-luck in your life or with your relationship between you and Dorian. Or whatever.” I said to him as I reached my hand towards the doorknob.
“Yeah… thanks.” He said as he remained in his dark room. His voice sounded broken and cracked, even shaken, as though he was crying. He spoke his last words to me, which I didn’t take much heart into his thanks or his confessions. Because one day outside this very house, we will meet. But we will not be recognized as family.

I gently closed the door and stepped a few feet back, my back accidentally bumping into Dorian. “So that’s how he feels now.” He said, looking down at me. I looked up at him and said. “Yeah.”
“Then I guess its show time eh?” he asked with a fake smile.
“If you feel the need to tell him, just tell him. No one will be here to twist your arm or make you do anything. If you want it, then get it yourself.” I said to him and walked off heading towards the front door, where my own life was awaiting me.

I left that house and was ready to move on to live my own life. All those awful memories of my mother and my father. My brother and my self. Dorian and Reality… they all seemed to fade away into nothing as I began taking my steps towards my first trip outside of my village. I was heading towards a new continent, a new place. Where I could start anew. And there stood Aaru and Skythe by my side. Three friends. A whole new adventure.

However, I only see them as children. I look at my hands. I thought of the phrase “not a child, but not a man yet.” My hands, although clean to the visible eye. I could still see my mother’s blood as it dripped down my fingertips and that lingering stench of decay remained on my flesh. I waited, listening, catching these bits and pieces of talk. We were on-board the ship, everyone walking pass everyone else, as though no one liked anyone. I felt Aaru cling onto my arm and rest her head on my shoulders.

“What’s wrong Rogue?” she asked tenderly. I had snapped out my daze and looked down at her, kissing the top of her head gently. “Nothing really. Just thinking.”
“Thinking? Thinking about what?” she asked.
“Things that I have to do to become stronger and protect you and Skythe.” I said to her.
“Well, at least one third of us needs protection,” I looked towards my left and saw Skythe leaning on the rail of the boat, pealing an apple with his fruit knife. “I guess the rest of us men can hold our own eh?” He said with a wink.
I turned over to look ahead, feeling Aaru’s head gently nuzzled against my arm. “True.” I said to him as I watched the field of ocean rush by and the birds above us fly around with no purpose but to their own, to live and to eat.

I had left to live a life that I will regret. And of course, I did just that.

The End of Part 1

11/20/2006
4:32am EST